Beautiful Scars

August 30.

I went to my favorite clothing store. I bought six dresses. I was happy when I paid for them. I know I’ll feel pretty when I wear them. That’s the thing with clothes. They will make you feel good, but they can also remind you of memories you don’t want to remember.

That pink dress. Every time I wore it, I get at least five peole complimenting how it makes me glow even more. But that same pink dress reminds me of the day when my boyfriend broke up with me because he found someone else. Someone better. The morning of that day, I took a photo of myself. I even posted it on Instagram and got more than 400 likes. How come 400 people liked me that day but the person I loved the most chose to break my heart?

I also went to my favorite café. I ordered green tea latte. My best friend and I can’t get enough of this. I thought I won’t get enough of it. But I stopped ordering this drink the day I found out that my best friend betrayed me. Of all the people, I wasn’t expecting that person to break my already crushed heart that day. I can never forget that day. I got my heart bruised and broken into pieces twice by the persons I expected to be with me through ups and downs.

I had my very first green tea latte after six years. It tasted different. Before, I liked how it tasted sweet despite having that bitter flavor from green tea. Now, I can say that it’s really bitter.

As the highlight of my day, I bought a ticket to watch a movie entitled “Meet Me in St. Gallen”. I must admit, the plot seems unrealistic. But it made me believe in the type of love the writer wanted me to feel. I can’t say I can totally relate with the characters of the story but the part when they said that there will be people who will come across our path just to put “life” in our life made my eyes cry a river inside the movie theater.

They are meant to come, stay for a while, and make us happy but never to stay. Never to stay.

That’s how Mike and Vin were for me. Mike was my great love. I can’t imagine if I can pour love in a person the same way ever again. I had the best time with him. I can vividly remember how my day brightens up the moment I read his first message in the morning. It felt like a vitamin that’ll be all I need to survive a gruesome day. Vin was my best friend. We’ve been friends since high school. Words can never explain how important Vin was in my life. I think I’ll never survive all my heartbreaks, failures, rejections, and wrong decisions without Vin. He was a family to me. We made a lot of promises, traveled to places together, went to my comfort places whenever Mike and I had fights. Of all the promises we made to each other, there’s one that I’ll never forget. I think it’s the only one that I can fulfill after we went separate ways.

After the movie, I booked a grab ride to go home. For some reason, it felt heavy when I was on my way home. It’s the first time that I felt relieved with traffic. My 30-minute travel time will most likely be two hours. And I had no problem with that. I wanted to gome but I was feeling something that made me want to prolong my way home. I got what I wanted. I got home at 11PM after a two-hour ride. I dropped my shopping bags, took a quick shower, checked my phone for social media updates, and then opened my spotify and listened to “Sa Susunod na Habang Buhay”.

After a few minutes, I got a call from the reception desk. Someone sent me a mail. I went down as I was curious who sent a mail at this odd hour. I went back to my unit first before opening the mail.

It was an invitation letter. A wedding invitation. It was cute. I saw a rainbow in the design of the envelope containing the actual letter.

I wanted to prepare for the special day. It was two months away from the day they sent me the letter. I was told to wear a dress of my choice. Any color would do, as long as it would mean happiness for me. I chose to wear the pink dress that I haven’t used six years ago. For some reason, all those new dresses I bought looked less pretty for the event.

October 30.

The special day came. I was ready to join the celebration of a wonderful union. I saw Mike. He looked handsome as he was before. But this time, his eyes sparkled with hope, excitement and bliss. He wore a dark blue suit that fits his body perfectly. I smiled at him while he was walking in the aisle. He smiled back. That moment, I knew I was letting him go.

And then I saw Vin. He wore a white suit that we talked about back when we were in college. I never erased our conversation history in my phone. I read it again the night before. He said: “I will wear a white suit while my husband will be wearing a dark blue suit.”

He got what he wanted. And when our eyes met after six long years, I knew I fulfilled one promise to my best friend. After he said that he wanted his husband to wear a dark blue suit, Vin said that I should wear the pink dress that she chose for me when I was finding a dress for my second anniversary date with Mike. And I need to sit in the second row, right behind his family.

I was there seated in the second row. Wearing the pink dress that he chose that I haven’t worn in six years. For all the efforts I made, I successfully didn’t cry. I was there smiling the whole time – thinking that I was able to let go of Mike, my great love, and making my promise with Vin come true on his special day.

I went home after the wedding. Not sure of what I am truly feeling, I picked up my phone and browsed through the songs that I saved in my special playlist. I listened to four of them. And if you’re here reading the last part of this blog post, you may take time to listen to the songs that I dedicated to three people.

To Vin

To Mike

For myself


Producing movies, writing stories, making films with excellent actors – these are what I imagine almost everyday when I think about where my life is headed to.

I can still remember how I jokingly told my mom when we were inside the cinema theater at Ali Mall that one day, she will see my name on the credits after taking part in my first movie. I think that was an MMFF season so it was around December or first week of January. That wasn’t entirely a joke at the back of my head. I knew I wanted to use art to touch others’ lives. I may not be sure how or what part I will be taking. I was just sure at that time that I wanted to find my small space in the film industry.

It was exciting at first. Thinking about walking on a different path makes my heart flutter. I often believed that corporate life isn’t for me (honestly, I’m now not sure about it. Or maybe I was just avoiding the future I am supposed to be in?) and taking risks in the film industry will make my life more meaningful though the success rate is much more unpredictable than staying in my corporate job. Back in 2017, I mustered all the courage I can get to enroll in a theater arts workshop at PETA. The early bird promo guaranteed a 10% discount so I grabbed the opportunity. I remember asking extra money from my mom because I was barely saving enough because I need to save for our house and live with what’s left as my allowance. She wasn’t supportive at first. The question that she asked me the exact time I asked for enrollment fee was: “Saan ka niyan pagkatapos?” – I answered: “Hindi ko pa alam.”

That’s the truth. I don’t really know what will happen next. I just wanted to jump and see where my feet will land. It wasn’t just a simple jump for me, it was a decision where I feared a lot of things. First, I did not invite any of my friends to go on that workshop with me, so I didn’t know anyone and I was so nervous on our first day. I’m not that good in making friends in an instant so I prepared myself to be a loner. Second, I am not sure if my body can take it. I have work on weekdays (3PM-12MN) and the Saturday weekend workshop starts at 9AM until 3PM. In the last few weeks, we attended classes on Saturdays and Sundays. I literally had no rest day for a number of weeks. Third, I am actually not sure if it was worth it. What if my mom was right? I know she wanted to stop me from spending money on things I am not sure of. And last, I was not sure if I was good enough. I do not know anything and I did not excel in any of the performing arts that I know of. I can’t sing, I can dance but not gracefully and I’m not sure if I can act. Basically, I may be throwing myself out in the ocean without any knowledge how I would survive.

But I still proceeded with my plan. I don’t know what hit me that time. I was just like “Bahala na, talon na kung talon.” – and I loved this version of myself. He was brave. He was afraid but he chose to do it.

When the workshop started around the third week of January 2018, the fears that I had slowly turned into realizations. And all those fears led me to think that my decision was actually fine. I may have lost time to rest but I won’t regret being in a group of people that I share the same passion with. I can still say that those were great moments of my life. We all came from different backgrounds, most of us had work for a living and treated the workshop as an escape to express ourselves and to free the artist in us. They were friendly. I felt that my social life then was defined by the moments I shared with my classmates at PETA. I wasn’t able to get in touch with my high school and college friends but I met new wonderful people that I will forever remember in my heart. It all ended with two final performances – one in the afternoon and another one in the evening. I had three tickets for each show but I only invited three friends for the evening showcase – Maridel, Carl and Mitzi. Maridel was my college friend and I was happy that she loved the show. Carl is still a good friend of mine and will forever be a “sizzy” to me and Mitzi who got me inspired when I first watched her show in UST as part of Teatro Tomasino.

Speaking of Mitzi, she invited me for a minor role in a student film. I enjoyed it. The main difference between acting in theater and in film is that all the rehearsals will come to waste if you don’t do well in the final performance in theater. In films or in movies, we get to have a number of takes before we can get the perfect shots. While reading the script, I fell in love with the idea of writing and making stories, characters that will represent my deepest thoughts, my beliefs and my aspirations. After that student film, I left my passion for acting. Because I can’t seem to find my niche.

Looking back, everything was worth it. I’m glad I took the risk. I would’ve not found what I wanted to do in my life if I did not expose myself to the world of performing arts. Now, I want to be a writer with hopes of bringing life to my stories intended to make people feel that they’re not alone. I have a very long way to go but I am taking small steps. This time, I’m still not sure where my feet will take me but the last time I did this, I had no regrets.


The weather today is the one I was asking for during summer. I never saw a glimpse of sunlight. Or maybe because I woke up at 12:30 PM? It’s definitely a bed weather type of day. And true enough, I spent most of the day with my bed.

What does this weather mean to me? It’s nice because I always rant about getting sweaty in summer. I have a 3PM-12MN shift so I usually have my daily commute at around 12NN and we’re in the Philippines. You know you’ll experience hell going outside at that time. I also think that this weather works well with my productivity if I’m in the office. I think I never told anyone about this but I feel in the zone for working when it’s cold and I have my jacket plus hot coffee to comfort me. Though it does not apply with a work from home arrangement. If today was a weekday, for sure my bed will pull me and talk to me: “Just watch k-dramas! Oh and get some chips.” And speaking of k-dramas, I finished a number of episodes today. I’m currently watching “Shopaholic Louis” on Netflix. And what’s better than spending a bed weather day while watching Korean dramas? None. At least for me.

On a serious note, I was able to think of a few things today. These are not new, I thought of them before but I got the right mood to reflect. 2020 will always be defined by Covid-19. Suddenly, all our goals are postponed. Good for you if you are still making progress, but to those who don’t, it’s fine. It’s perfectly fine. The goal now is actually to be safe. To get through this pandemic without contacting the virus as much as possible. But I still can’t help to think that I’m wasting a year in my 20s. Not because of my fault but due to uncontrollable factors on my end. And for someone who has a lot of energy to establish a good career, this situation is a killer. It’s not easy to jump during this time. You need to consider many factors before making a move. I actually think that I need to start accepting that my 24th year on Earth is meant to survive and be alive for my family. I’m not a in a bad position but every single time I get to think about my career, it pains me.

I remember telling myself before that I wanted to peak in my 30s. And in order to do that, I need to work my ass off in my 20s. I think that’s where the anxiety comes from. I’m almost halfway through my 20s and one year is about to get wasted.

I thought of sharing this in my blog because I know nothing will happen even if I overthink for hours. We still can’t see the end of the tunnel, at least here in our country, and we are not really sure how everything will look like after the pandemic. It feels good to talk about what I felt even just through typing on my phone. And just like the weather today, my fighting spirit isn’t fighting. It just rests. It takes advantage from the low energy atmosphere to get the strength that it needs to face an uncountable number of tomorrows filled with uncertainties.

I hope today was different for you. To whoever notices this post, I hope you get to feel opposite emotions. And to someone who feels the same way like I do, it’ll get better. Perhaps not tomorrow but definitely, one day.


Have you ever imagined how you want your future home to be like? I’m sure the answer is yes. It’s funny how my idea of a comfortable home changed over the years. And I’m happy with what I want now and I don’t think it will change in the coming years.

As a teenager, I’ve always dreamed of a mansion. With my family members owning a room of their own (big rooms with bathrooms and all the fancy stuff), swimming pool, basketball court, vast space for my garden and a special room filled with ice cream. The inspiration? The video that I watched on Youtube. I think it was around 2011 when I saw Trish Stratus’ house being featured and I immediately wished I can have that kind of house too. Trish was a wrestler in WWE, a hall of famer and the one who got me hooked in wrestling.

Trish Stratus – You can click on this to see the video that was referring to. The quality sucks though.

When I was in college, I wanted a house around Antipolo. I heard that there are lots, affordable lots compared to the prices in Metro Manila, which we can buy and build a huge house. Celebrities such as Pokwang and Coco Martin (not 100% sure with Coco) had their homes built in Antipolo and I think dreaming about owning one like what they have is more realistic than the one I saw on Youtube.

Before I started working, I had a clear goal. My mom bought a lot and my brother will help me build the fund that we need to make our mom’s dream a reality. We never had a house growing up. We are living in a good house owned by my relatives and we’re really grateful for it. No rent to pay for years is a good save already. But since we do not own the place, we know that we can be asked to leave anytime. I felt that time is coming near because I’m the youngest in our family and after my graduation, all of us are now earning. So, after my graduation rites in June of 2016, I went on to have a job around July. I was earning aroung 18K per month and I remember giving 14K to my mom so we can save up for the house that we want to build. I had 4K left for my allowance. Guess what? I had no savings at that time. And then I went on to Shell around November. I got a higher pay. Around 22K? I gave 18K a month so my allowance was still the same. Not until the new tax rates were implemented, I was able to consistently give 20K monthly.

Fast forward to the second half of 2019. We were almost done saving up and we are seeing the fruits of our sacrifices. We were supposed to leave this April 2020 but lockdown happened. And now we’re still here in Quezon City.

Here’s a rare photo that I can willingly share. It now looks “finished” on the outside before the construction workers left due to lockdown in March.

Interestingly, even if we are yet to see the home that we worked hard for, I just know that I wanted to live in a different setting. As much as I will be happy seeing my mom in a state of joy when the time comes that we can finally live in her dream house, I can’t erase the thought that I want to live in a condo. Preferrably around Makati or Mandaluyong. Makati because it’s near where I go to work. Madaluyong because I think I can get cheaper prices and it’s a good location – they say it’s like the center of north and south.

Rigor, you now own a house. Why do you want to live in a condo which will cost you more? I honestly do not want to discuss this yet with my mom because she’ll definitely won’t agree. And I understand. What’s the use of owning your dream house without your kids? But living without family members feels good to me. I wanted to feel the independence. I wanted to figure things out on my own. I want to do a lot of things for myself. I know it comes with a number of cons as well but not relating to fun stories and experiences of people because your mom will always ask why you’re not home yet makes me sad. I feel like I’m missing a lot.

It all boils down to my longing for complete independence. I am not spoiled, I can make decisions on my own, I am not controlled by my family – but as a form of love, they will always have a say in all of my decisions. Not to override my choices but they will all tend to choose the path where I won’t get hurt. It’s normal. But I need to make mistakes. I need to learn. I need to experience life. And though my dream home is now a small condo unit, far from the mansion in Canada and the huge house in Antipolo, it can give me the experiences that I want to have.

Waking up to prepare my own food, taking long showers, going to the gym anytime I feel like sweating out, eating at 7/11 at odd hours of the day, ordering from McDonalds at midnight while watching Netflix, inviting people anytime I want to and making more stories in my blog while I’m lying down on the floor on a lazy Saturday – all of these sound fun when I have my own tiny space.

Sonny & Cher

I just finished watching one of Bela Padilla’s vlogs. The video is all about Xavi’s proposal to Dani, Bela’s best friend. I felt three emotions- excitement, happiness and sadness.

The excitement is really evident at the start of the vlog. Like Bela, I also wanted to see a live proposal. I have many girl friends so hopefully, their boyfriends will include me in the organizing process. Because I’ll love to take part. I’m excited to see the faces of my friends once they see their guy asking for their hand to wear the ring that will symbolize a love of a lifetime. I wanted to feel the anticipation that someone’s life will change in a day. I wish to see the bright smiles of my friends once they knew that they can now start building a new future with the love of their lives. Just typing this through my phone makes my soul jump out of bliss.

Next, happiness. Who wouldn’t be happy seeing a magical moment filled with love? Maybe one day, if I could see one proposal, my day would be something like I won’t mind not eating or doing much. I think I’m that type who will just smile through the day and be as happy as he could.

But I will be honest here. I also feel sad seeing videos of proposals and even weddings. The reason? I know I won’t have that. I guess not in my lifetime. We’re living in the Philippines and that should be enough reason for you to understand where I’m coming from. Though I know marriage is not the only way to show love or to feel loved, I can’t help to think how couples exactly feel when they are being celebrated in one whole day with no judgments from society. I can hold a grip of my feelings and say: “I don’t care what all of you are thinking. I’m happy and I’m not hurting anyone.” But dude, it’s not entirely easy to do. Not impossible. Though it would take buckets of courage to get through all the possible hurdles being in love with the same sex.

In a few years, I will go back to this post. I predict that at least one of my friends will get married in 5 years. Well if they don’t, then it’s totally fine. I can wait. I’ll see if I will still feel those three. Or maybe I’ll feel more.


I can clearly remember how I got excited whenever my sister calls me because “Matilda” was being played on HBO. I sat down and happily watched a story that I finished a number of times already. But yesterday, I decided to watch it again. I don’t know what exactly triggered me. I guess, I just missed Matilda? The young girl that I adored when I was young. She’s smart, she loved to read books (I can only wish that I loved reading books too) and she’s brave. I also remembered some of the characters like Bruce who ate a lot of chocolate cakes and Lavender who was a good friend to Matilda.

But as I watched the film again after more than a decade, I loved a differnet character. This time it was not Matilda. It wasn’t Bruce or Lavender either. It was Miss Honey – the teacher of the kids. Maybe because of the age when I watched the film? See. I liked Matilda and her friends when I watched it years ago. I think I’m just between 10-13 years old back then? Not so sure. But now I’m 24 and my heart was captured by their teacher.

One of the lines that struck my heart was: “Oh, I believe that you should believe in whatever power you think you have inside of you. Believe it with all your heart.” It was from Miss Honey.

After the movie, I took a short time to reflect on those words. I remembered how I was a dreamer when I was younger. I firmly believed back then that I can be whatever I want to be. I can be a dancer, an actor, a celebrity, a host or even a Summa Cum Laude graduate from UP Diliman finishing a law degree. Yes, I can remember my younger self imagining those things to happen just because I believed in what I can do. But that version of me changed slowly. Year by year, when I faced harsh realities of life, I felt like I’m being slapped with the truths that I remorsefully believed in. That I am not good as I thought of myself to be, that I am just a person with mediocre abilities. Until now, I’m still haunted by those thoughts. I feared a lot of things. I limited the directions that I took because I thought that I can just do this and that and I’m not meant to do some of the things that I want.

Watching the movie again did not change my mind. But if my beliefs gradually changed through time, it will also gradually get better. You know, it’s hard to believe in fairy tales or to imagine that you can just do whatever you put your heart and mind into when you get to adulthood facing responsibilities. You can’t just go and jump because you are not working to live just for yourself. But I’m glad I heard those words. They may not be impactful now but they gave me hope. A hope that my life isn’t over yet. As long as I wake up for another day, I get a chance to be better.

May we find the courage to start dreaming like a child again. That we can fly and reach places we want our wings to lead us to. To allow our hearts jump with joy as we decide to go for the things that we wanted to do for so long.

Turning our dream into reality is a long and exhausting process. It’s a journey of a thousand miles that begins with a single step. And I think that first step is to believe that you can reach the end of your journey.

Can’t Sleep

This is another episode of Rigor can’t sleep until it’s 3 or 4AM. My mid-shift schedule at work really changed my body clock. But writing at this hour makes my mind more authentic and creative at the same time.

I was thinking, what do I want my future to be? Since my dream is to have a place in the film industry, is a life in the public arena an inevitable option? Or should my love for films just push me to be a watcher because I need to get my shit done and earn money in the corporate world? You know what, I feel my 20s and my 30s are gonna be entirely different – 1) My 20s will be spent on making and saving money for my family. This is a decade full of grinding. My ultimate goal is to have salary of at least 60K (net) per month. We can happily live with that amount. My mom did not spoil us so I am used to live a simple life. Well, simple life may mean differently for us and I do realize that. 2) My 30s will be a pursuit of passion. By this time, I have saved enough for my family to live for a number of years and I have saved enough money too to pursue my dreams.

To be honest, I am thrilled just by thinking about my 30s. But there’s so much uncertainty. Unlike in the corporate world where I can drive my career and I know what to do to go futher.

These thoughts keep me awake sometimes. I am really the person who get anxiety thinking about his future. But don’t worry! I am training my mind to enjoy the present. To whoever might be reading this and feels the same way, you can also worry about your future. It’s normal. It’s valid. But let’s learn the lesson of enjoying the present. What we see right now and where we are right now. Because trust me, you’ll get to the point where worrying affects your current actions. Our mind can think of scenarios that aren’t happening or will never happen and then we overthink, and then we get frustrated.

When I celebrated my birthday, I had an IG story where I said: “I’m 24 and I’m not where I want to be and that’s okay. We’ll get there” (Not the exact words though). And then someone replied – “I think you’re right where you need to be. They say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Or, as I would say it… There’s is only one way to eat an elephant….one bite at a time 😂” – That’s actually a good message. It comforted me. We may seem to feel lost and walking with no direction but maybe we need not to figure everything out. Where we are is exactly where we need to be. And happiness is where we are and we won’t be happy if we’ll always think that we can only feel that way if we’re in a different place or time.

As I’m about to finish this, I am taking time to reflect and to feel thankful for the time I have with my family. We are still far from beating covid-19. But if there’s one thing that I liked with what’s happening around us is that I’m with my family 24/7. I can’t remember being like this since I started working. I guess this is an example of appreciating the present?

BUT I am still aware of the fight that we need to win. A fight with the ones exposed by covid-19. You know what I mean 🤫 I am one with all the Filipinos fighting for our present and for our future.

Cup of coffee at 12:34 AM

This is my first post here. I got inspired by Bela Padilla. She’s Overthinkween here! As much as I’m already talkative, I still find comfort in sharing my thoughts through words. The thought of me looking back at my posts excites me. It’s like a moment captured by a picture. The only difference is that I may have a different interpretation by the time I look back at a certain post. Since the memory was shared through words, I may imagine differently from when I actually wrote the post to the time I’m looking back.

So what’s the relevance of the title? Well, I literally made my coffee before I started typing here in my iPhone 6s. I mentioned the unit because I am in a relationship with this phone for 4 years and 4 months. And I feel like she’s retiring soon.

We’re still under quarantine for four months already and coping with the new normal isn’t easy for everyone. Plus all the happenings in our country? It’s hard to feel at ease. But if I were to see the beauty in chaos, I will say the ff:

1. Angel Locsin should be our last Darna. She embodied what the character stood for. Her contract expired even before the franchise issue heated up but you can see in her actions that she feels for the people affected by the denial of the congress.

2. We are waking up people. I see some celebrities showing their support for abs-cbn. I see people expressing that they feel the need to voice out because the injustices are just too visible to ignore. What I really hope is that those who saw everything can translate their hunger for change in 2022 by voting wisely.

3. Influencers – That this has a meaning. This isn’t something that you just claim. And when you see your power to influence people, use it. Not only when money is involved. Use it more when people need it from you.

4. This is something personal. Not related to the first three. But I celebrated my birthday in June. Under quarantine with very few visitors. And this year I started to change, I won’t have birthday wishes. I’ll have resolutions. And one of those is to continue to write. I’m currently working from home and as much it is draining, I also had more time to think. More time to reflect. I was able to identify what I wanted to do before I grow older in the coming years. So there. Those resolutions are bound to help me do things that matter to me and I really had time to ponder on what those things are.

I’ll end it here. I think I have already shared what’s on my mind right now.