30th of May

I remember writing a blog post last year with the same title just because I heard of a K-Drama entitled “Youth of May”. The month of May and its name can be used playfully to create titles – it’s actually fun and funny. Funny because I always hated this month because of summer heat. But truth be told, climate change is kicking in because last May 18, the rainy season officially started in the Philippines. Something we should be bothered about.

I quickly browsed through my post last year. And you know what? A lot has changed. Honestly, I am feeling the exact opposite in a number of ways. I’ll try to get some parts of my post in 2021 and compare it with what I am thinking now.

I know I should be sleeping at this time because I need to get up at 6:30 AM to prepare for an interview at 8:30 in the morning. This is a hard adjustment for someone who reports to work at mid-shift for the past four years and six months.

– I was about to get interviewed after applying for a company. I honestly think that I flunked that interview but surprisingly, I passed. I also got an interview from a different company which I confidently aced but I failed to get in. That was ridiculous.

I was determined to look for opportunities outside around this time last year because we got the news about how our process will be impacted by the reorganization. I remember how low my motivation was at that time. But guess what? I am actually not planning to leave my company anytime soon. Not even until 2026. That, I can commit. With all the uncertainties happening around, I found value in staying in a multinational company that can withstand global crises.

We’re three months way from our process’ migration and when I reflected upon it, I realized how it was the biggest blessing in my career. In the process of deliberation about how the staff will be deployed, somehow, in some way along the road, I got promoted. In a BPO company, we have job grade numbers. I started out as a JG8 and now I’m a JG6. This was only my goal. I didn’t actually dream of landing a role at the top of the ladder. At least for now, it isn’t for me. Never say never but yeah, it still isn’t for me. I’m happy with where I am right now, and I don’t feel any rush for a promotion. This feels so great – not always thinking of what’s next – and a certain sense of contentment gave me a priceless peace of mind.

I’m turning 25 next month and I’m honestly thankful and quite indifferent about it. I’m grateful for the fact that I will reach that age at this time of the pandemic. I’m indifferent because it feels empty.

voilà! I don’t feel empty at all. I closed a good chapter of my life and I am starting a new one. Instead of hopelessly asking, what now? I am elatedly asking, what now?!

Looking back at how God was really good to me, I realized that the core of all of my dreams in life were given to me before I leave my 25th year on earth. We are now living in a house named after me, I finally have a home. That’s one. Another one is the promotion I mentioned, I am pretty much done with my personal goal in that company. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I craved for intimate relationships. I became so dramatic that I reached the point asking God – “When I will be loved? I am always the person who gives love but doesn’t get loved back and always left hanging when they find someone new?” I remember crying while watching “Meet me in St. Gallen” inside a movie theater. I legitimately bawled my eyes out to release my heavy tears. I was with my mom back then and I don’t know why she did not ask why I cried. That’s better, I guess. In that same year, I also met someone who finally loved me and never left. Lastly, the love I have at home from my mom and my siblings is something I will forever be grateful for. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I don’t have attachment issues – people can go and leave my life anytime they want to, and I couldn’t care less – because at home, I am already filled with stable love.

So, after sharing too much, and I always say that you’ll get to know me deeply through my blog more than talking to me personally, there’s no doubt that I am closing my 25th year with gratitude and love lingering around my happy heart. I had this conversation with a friend where I said, “I don’t have any dreams. But in a good way.”, I felt like the rest of my years will be lived by enjoying the finer things in life whatever they may mean to me. I am opening my 26th year next month with full of excitement, discovery, pampering, and doing things unapologetically.

You see, if there’s something I want to impart to whoever reads this is that whoever said that you need to figure everything out at 25 is lying. I maybe done with the major things I want to have in life, but I am yet to figure out that hats I would like to wear. I am sincerely and eagerly looking forward to every year I’ll get and you don’t always need to join the sinkhole of quarter-life crisis. It’s true though, but it’s not a requirement to feel. You can have a different mindset by the time you reach 25 – it’s either you sleep and wake up feeling down and lost or you sleep, wake up, and step out to experience what life has for you. You can be excited with nothingness, with overwhelming crossroads, a whole lot of options, all because YOU ARE STILL YOUNG. Your life doesn’t end at 25. Believe me, success has no timeline. And it actually doesn’t matter if you enjoy now what others enjoyed at 22. I envied my peers (back in college) who can go to Starbucks anytime they want to while I need to save up two days worth of my daily allowance just to have one drink while nervously telling my order because I feel inferior being in a space where rich people hang out (or am I wrong with this? lol). Seriously, I only got to enjoy it now. At 25. I have my own Starbucks card, and I go out there confidently looking of iced chai tea latte but it sucks that they apparently have supply issues now.

Do I feel less happy because I am now enjoying what they have already enjoyed years back? Heck, NO!

As I end this one, I quietly wondered how my thoughts will again change next year? I cannot control everything but one thing’s for sure, I’ll share more news about what I did as I embrace this whole new blank chapter. Wish me a happy birthday on June 29! 🙂

DE S02E05

I just posted on my instagram stories that I decided to do a midnight “me time” stroll. I then went to 7/11 to buy a small cup of hot chocolate to accompany me while I sit comfortably in front of a closed store. I am currently feeling the wind breeze from the sea. We all can say that this wind feels the best – especially if you’re used to live in Manila.

Since we came after the holy week, I expected that there will be few people here. And that was true. And I like it. Really. Those who know me will agree. I don’t like crowded places. I want to share my current view so I quickly took a picture. Here it is!

I’m quite far from the beach but I can’t do an indian sit comfortably ever since I was a kid.

If there’s something I hate with this travel is how wasteful I am. I have limited resources so I cannot be conscious about the products I use. I just get by with anything convenient. A one-week trip maybe isn’t for me. Not unless I pack more and prepare carefully.

But you know what I loved? This travel represents how far my life went. For the better. Unknowingly, I am now able to afford to do this. I wasn’t born rich. Way back in college, I was so fascinated about how some of my blockmates afford studying in coffee shops. One drink costs at least Php 130 and you need to stay there longer, so I guess, you need to drink one more? That’s already Php 260! And my weekly allowance is only at Php 700 and I go to school six times a week.

(I took a sip from my hot chocolate. It tastes good for its price!)

I honestly can’t believe I’m willing to spend Php 400 pesos for a meal. The prices here are not so friendly. But I just can’t help to be thankful how I can now afford the things I can’t before. Not that I am complaining with the life I grew up with. It actually feels better to experience the so-called finer things in life after working so hard for years. They weren’t given, I earned them. A lot can relate to this. If this also happens to you currently, I want to say that I’m proud of you!

I had an honest and deep conversation with my friend last Sunday night. I told how I thought that I have no dream to achieve anymore. I have a home of my own. I can pay bills monthly. I have a stable job. When life gets tough, I go to the basics. Social media and city life do a good job in making you feel incomplete. When I looked into my life with simplicity in mind, I realized that I am completely blessed with my current status. Don’t get me wrong, I want to wear more hats as I feel that I still have a lot of years to live. It’s just that, right now, I have what I need in my life. I’m at a point where I can freely welcome what my next years will bring to the table. I’ll embrace it. Whatever it is.

I’m beyond thankful that I can finally say that it’s now my time to explore whatever I want to. I have two in mind, actually. But for some reason, I want to keep it. Privately. But I will let others know about it, but not now. I think I just regained my “fvck, whatever this is, I’ll go for it” attitude in 2018.

As I end this post, I can only say good things to God. I may not have everything that I want, but He provided what I need. I love the moments where I have this deep silent conversation with Him. Knowing that whatever situation I will be in, He’ll be with me – makes me feel secured and thankful for the years he destined me to exist.

I will be turning 26 in two months. Maybe all the emotions I have right now are the sign that I’m moving on from a long chapter of living for others. Maybe after 25 years, I can now live for myself. Unapologetically.

Cheers to life, cheers to a free life!

DE S02E04

It’s been a while since I went here in my safest bubble. I was contemplating if I should write now or keep all my thoughts and burst them out by writing in front of the beach. I’ll be on vacation starting on Sunday and I have no idea what to expect. It’s my first week-long travel without my family. First of many. Maybe I’ll use my experience there for my next travels? Let’s see.

2022 has been a very productive year in meeting some of my old friends. I think I went out more this year than in 2020 and 2021 combined. It’s part of my goal, really. And I feel like I’m on track. But there’s something in me that also makes me feel that I am slowly uncovering what’s lacking in my life. I say this is good sign, whilst being lost – I think, I’m slowly creating who I am? I’m actually shifting my belief from we must find ourselves to we should create ourselves. Or maybe, it’s a good and healthy combination of both?

On a side note, I’m writing this while having my protein drink and some liempo leftover. I left my phone as the love of my life is sleeping peacefully. I opened my WordPress here in my mac instead of phone to not disturb him. I just wanted to share this piece of information as it is fun to document this raw and non-special moment.

Going back to the mountain of thoughts I have in my tired mind. I’m thinking of sharing bits and pieces of who I am now. I may compromise my privacy but it’s really nice to look back after several years on how much I’ve grown.

First, I think I already found the love of my life. I seriously can’t imagine loving another human being other than my partner. I can’t imagine myself having an intimate relationship with another person. So lucky! Am I? I think so. In my teenage years up until my early twenties, I struggled to find one human to love me. I was blown away when I thought of how God gave me that person as early as 23 years old. Now I know why when I think of my future, they are all about my personal dreams. All the places I want to go, all the food I want to eat, and all the experiences I want to share. Love isn’t something I think deeply. I shouldn’t. I already have that one person I’ll get to enjoy the rest of my years with.

Next, I love mother nature. I am starting to transition to a more eco-friendly living. If I can just volunteer to do work to help the environment, I would! Lately, #LetTheEarthBreathe trended all over my social media. And it should be! We can contribute but those power must also do their part in saving our only home. It’s high time for world leaders to take this seriously. To whoever reads this, I encourage you to reevaluate your living. Trust me! You can save money by having an eco-friendly lifestyle.

Another one, I decide where I take money. Not the other way around. I’m not saying that those who seriously want that much money in their bank accounts are living a less meaningful life. Personal finance management and journey is unique in every individual. But I want to share my thoughts about it. First, I decided on the lifestyle I want to live and then I determine how much money I need to sustain that while having that peace of mind of being financially secured for rainy days. I can sustain myself (this might change though because of inflation) and live happily with a net salary of less than Php 40,000. When I achieved that amount of pay, I pulled out all the pressure that was inside of my head…. I now can live comfortably. If ever I will gun for a promotion in the future, that would mean for something else and definitely not just for money.

Last, and it is related to what I wrote above, is that I’m not comfortable with the idea of extravagant lifestyle. I love the simplicity of life. Every time I remove one thing that I initially thought of as so important, I am baffled when I realize that it actually isn’t. I stayed away from instagram for three months last year and I lived a good life even without it. Same goes with any of the expensive material things that I owned. I shared before that I bought this macbook I’m using and honestly, I just realized that this one’s a nice to have but definitely not what I need. Do I regret buying it? No. Every time I see this, I am reminded to be more careful for my next purchases. In order to utilize every peso that I used to buy this, I’ll just use this macbook for a minimum of seven years.

I’ll stop here. My mind’s telling me to stop sharing, for now. I hope you all had a good rest as I’m getting mine next week. I’m quite nervous to travel by air but I must get used to this. I am personally excited to what my next months are gonna be. But for now, I’ll go back to my bed and have a good night’s sleep.

In another world, in another life

As much as we want to own the life we are given, I just have this strange thought of wishing a life we want in our next lives. What if we can actually drop a coin in a mysterious well that can grant our wishes? The only catch is that, we will only get the answers after we die. That’s only when we can realize if the well made our desires come true, when we are reborn in a different body.

I know it’s hella strange of an idea but it’s midnight so my mind isn’t in its normal state. I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought of his own personal desires when confronted with problems rooted from circumstances at birth. One good example, I wished that I was born in a different country and from an affluent family, and as a daughter. I want to be born in a country more developed than the Philippines, I want to grow up in a family where money is never an issue so I can take up whatever course program in college, I want to be a girl just so I have a wide array of choices for clothes to wear on several occasions.

Those three things won’t guarantee a better life and it’s not what I expected either. I just want to live differently, and then go to that well again to wish for my next lifetime.

I’m honestly not sure how will I own this life I currently have. I feel like I’m not using this gift while my time here on earth is ticking. Each day I wake up is less then a day I’ll live. That thought frightens me to the core but I’m more frustrated that I can’t even move my feet to do something about it. I just want to go out and wander around, no direction or map to follow, but just let my feet go somewhere so I can feel that I’m spending my time with a little sense of reason.

As I’m writing this, the world is still in disarray. For us, we seemed to be moving forward but we aren’t. My bank is ready, my bag can be packed in a day, I am wholehearted to explore, but then I still can’t move a step. This is how frustrating it is. I have ideas in mind on how I can deal with my unfriendly thoughts but the universe won’t allow even a single move.

In the following months, I bet we’re still stuck. Our house frankly looks like a prison. Just a better prison with enough food and water to sustain decent living. And behind prison bars are inmates spending longer days than the rest of the world. People around me are saying how fast days pass by, but I feel otherwise. I’m itching to finish every single day. I’m now like an inmate inside the rooms of our house.

And like all the prisoners who spend countless hours thinking how they’ll live after their sentence, I also consumed an unhealthy amount of time thinking and questioning. What will I be like in another world, in another life? Would the way I live in this lifetime affect the world I will be born in after I reincarnate? Or will I have it worse because I haven’t done anything purposeful yet?

Difficult questions, right? I’m not seeking for answers for now. I’m just hanging in there and hoping that my days aren’t numbered yet – so maybe in this life, in this world, I can be someone who did something before he left.

DE S02E03

I waited for exactly 14 minutes before I started this post. Nothing special, I just wanted to write this on the last day of February. I just stopped for a bit when I realized that we are now done with two months of 2022. Personally, I’m looking forward for the activities that I plan to do for the rest of the year. But to be very honest, I am quite scared about the future. Not about my career or anything, but all about what can happen in the world. I only knew of world war 1 and 2 on my history books, but I didn’t expect that it might actually happen in my generation. Ukraine and Russia are far from the Philippines but who knows what’ll be the next chapter of their war? Just thinking about it right after seeing some light with this pandemic makes me not want to live for the future even more. I will live my life every single day.

Speaking of my plans this year, my team (past and current members) just had an overnight outing last Friday. It was fun. I saw how we all missed communicating face-to-face and my throat got really tired of talking about so many topics. I felt like meeting a group of people you know should be a two days, one night event – seriously, I still have a lot to talk about with them. Virtual meetings won’t cut it. Though I love working from home, my extrovert side still wants to talk to people physically. Meeting the people I treasure in life is a must for me now that the pandemic seems to push for our new normal already.

When I got home on the afternoon of Saturday, I immediately felt so sad. I knew this feeling. It’s very familiar with what I felt when the fact that I might be having my last few moments with the people close to me know may soon be my reality. I can clearly remember how I got silently emotional in my last regular day in high school. I thought I’ll never get over it but you know, time heals and we all eventually need to grow up. And thinking about it now, I was young back then. I was supposed to leave and meet new friends. True enough, I met new people and left so many friends simply because we grew apart and walked on different paths. It has been the same process in university. It was easer for me though because I was more focused on getting a job and earning my own money. I already consider myself lucky for retaining a handful of friends from college up until now.

But at work, I honestly didn’t expect to feel this. It wasn’t in my plan. All along, my mind was conditioned that the corporate world is a jungle – you need to kill and avoid being killed.

I have questions in mind:

Am I really that lucky to have good relationships with people at my work?

Do I need to be a workaholic freak in my new team to avoid getting attached?

Am I just the type of person who gets along so well with some people that building friendships comes naturally?

I still don’t have answers but one thing is for sure, I will need to go through the process I hated in high school and in university. The process of being happy when you found comfort in people and letting them go because you all can’t stay in one place and we’re all working towards our growth.

I’m just emotional right now but I’m sure I’ll get over this. And without force, I will be maintaining long term friendships with people I will naturally gravitate with.

Tomorrow, March 1, I will be starting a new journey. I will finally be a regular in the gym to have an active lifestyle. I want a body that I will be happy seeing in the mirror. I hate my fats. But I love to eat. So, the only way to still enjoy eating is to exercise and be wiser on what I will be taking in to my body. I’m now getting back to exploring new things – hoping to meet fresh faces along the way (and still willing to go through the process I hate).

Ending this post by saying that living in the present and in the moment is the best way to have a life you won’t regret. Turn down your phone when you are with people. Look at them in the eye, listen to their words, and make each moment count. At 25, I am not expecting to have frequent trips with friends. When I have one, I make sure to cherish them. I’m on my phone and my laptop almost everyday and it won’t hurt if I neglect them when I’m with the people I like. Last Friday, my phone was always away from me. And you know what I felt? I already mentioned this but I felt the lack of time in talking to them.

As I wrap this up, I feel lighter as I did live on that present. That’s the silver lining – I saw the good moments with my eyes and not through my phone’s screen.

DE S02E02

I woke up at 1:44 PM yesterday. I already find it hard to sleep before 3 AM. So, if I woke up so late, how can I expect my eyes to close earlier? That’s why I’m here. To write, to update whoever reads this, and to help myself fall asleep as much as I can.

Two months ago, I messaged a friend and told him that I may not be able to get used to my life in a new place. I might find ways to go back to the metro. It’s funny how it all changed so suddenly. Our house is located at the dead end of our subdivision’s street. There are just literally two houses before us at the dead end. And with this location, you don’t expect to hear cars blowing their horns. It’s totally different from living in a busy city. I got used to waking up very peacefully and this is my … vibe?

Last year, I made steps to find a work that pays more. I even came to a point where salary is my top priority in finding a new corporate prison. I was so close in giving up a company that has a good culture and does not stress me out everyday. But while I’m living here in our new home, and not wanting to see cars and hear the sounds they make, I have a new non-negotiable — no permanent office setup. Okay, I can give in with a hybrid working arrangement. But I can’t imagine myself commuting five days a week. Just, no. I can’t.

I might not be able to find the perfect words to express how much I love a slow life. I like simple and peaceful days. It’s now my goal to give myself a life that’s not elevated my material things, decorated by expensive stuff, and defined by anything monetary. I never imagined myself to change as early as 25. Way back when I was a student, success just means being a manager as early as I can. I defined success before with a title. But I’m not that person anymore.

With that, I want to share something that may let you think deeper if you’re lost. I’m supposed to be stressed out having a quarter-life crisis but here I am, slowly, consciously, and intentionally discovering who I am by taking small steps.

How do you define happiness? What is your definition of success? Did you define it? Did you really do? Or you had it because someone told you so? No, I’m not saying that they are wrong and after hearing my words, you’ll be convinced that I’m right. I have no intention of doing that. I’m just here to ask you questions I asked myself. Because I found good answers. By knowing who defined my happiness, I found my way out. My way out is stepping down from thinking that my satisfaction is getting all those prestigious awards, titles, and earning the most among my peers. I’ve come to a realization that I am happy if I can live simply, peacefully, and slowly. I don’t need the latest gadgets, designer goods (I prefer eco-friendly stuff), and instagram-worthy life.

My life is getting better. Not yet to the level I dream of, but I am definitely in a kinder place than last year. When they always said that happiness starts with you and it’s within you, I finally understood what they meant. Though it helps moving in a different place (like in my case), you must also make a choice every single day.

We’re just in the second month of the year but I have so many things to look forward to already. I will be fighting for a slot this week to get a lot for EXO’s 10th anniversary on April 9. I already bought the merch bundle. That makes me smile so much 🙂 While I’m writing this, I am listening to Paul Kim. My friends already know how much I love that South Korean singer. And lately, J_ust has captured my heart. I am also still a fan of K-Dramas and I’m watching When the Camellia Blooms now. Watch it! There’s a reason why they won Daesang in Baeksang Awards.

My heart is also flying with the clouds as Son Ye-jin is getting married. She’s one of the two actresses I admire so much. Another one is Gong Hyo-jin. She’s one of the reasons why I pushed getting a tattoo. That girl also influenced me to take steps being an environmental activist. I am now using shampoo bars ❤

See? There’s nothing grand with my days. But I’m truly fine with them. I changed. And I changed for the better by not being defined and structured by other people or by some culture/system. I am just living my life according to me.

DE S02E01

How are you all doing?

Me? I feel mostly the same but somewhat different. Though to be vey honest, I can’t identify what’s with 2022 as it feels very similar to 2020 and 2021. I know, I know, most of you might feel hopeless as we still can’t see the end of this global pandemic. But personally, I think that we need to live with it. It’s close to impossible to zero out the new cases as we encounter new variants. Living with it is the best we can do to continue living the new normal.

I’m writing this post after waking up from a phone call. I got my order from Shopee! I’m so excited as I got the wall decors of the other five members of Exo. From my previous post, I well-said that they saved my 2021 so it will be better for me to see their faces everyday with the wall decors I bought. It gave life to my little room. The driver got lost finding our address so I waited for about ten minutes and when I got back to my bed, my body refuses to sleep again. So, I picked up my laptop, opened my spotify to listen to J_ust (listen to this South Korean singer!), and decided to have a new entry to my online journal.

Truthfully, I still don’t know what 2022 will be like for me. Right now, I’m just praying that all goes well as we plan to celebrate Christmas and New Year in London with my sister. My January and December are already filled up. My sister is currently here and the best part of it is that I’m working from home so I have more time with her. We are also getting a tattoo on the 23rd which I’m very excited about. I’m not sure why I’m so worked up with it but I guess I’m just in the process of knowing myself more. Speaking of that, I’m happily having a different journey as I traverse my 25th year on earth. Well, in terms of career, I am not quite sure if my current job will land me to a place I desire or whether I want my future to be similar with what I do now. But in terms of knowing myself as a person, I think I’m going into the right direction. I now have a new goal which is to buy a house and lot of my own.

Yes, I do have a house now but I want a place where I can live on my own. I think I can learn so much when I have no one to lean on and do everything by myself. This is a tough goal that requires tough decisions – which makes it worthwhile.

Another thing that goes around my mind lately is about living intentionally. I subscribed to “Malama Life” in YouTube and I love how calming her vlogs are. It grounds me to the life I actually want. A simple, quiet, slow, and peaceful life. I’m starting to give away a lot of clothes, simplifying the things I have, and just buying those that spark joy (inserting Marie Kondo).

Living outside the metro for almost a month changed my outlook. I’ve always been a “city guy” and I can remember writing in this blog (search up “Tiny”) how I badly wanted a condo around Mandaluyong or Makati. I thought I can’t get used to a less convenient place. But I was proven wrong by this place I’m currently living in. The next house and lot I want to purchase is also around here. I’m just not in the state where I want to stay within Metro Manila. Not now, for sure.

My day-to-day life has been slower lately. And I’m not complaining. It’s a complete opposite of how much I wanted to end 2021 every single day. I simply don’t care that much what day are we in. I’m just living life one day at a time. Though I still want to do something everyday – okay, okay, it’s time to plug! I waited for this. Lol. I’m just kidding. Please like https://www.facebook.com/koreanbes on Facebook! I’m a co-editor in that page. I found this as a way to make my 2022 different from 2020 and 2021.

As I get ready to take my morning shower (this is the first agenda of my everyday, I don’t feel good waking up and stepping out of my room without taking a good shower), I am planning to do three things for this lazy Sunday: 1) Finalize my tattoo designs, 2) Make a post in Korean Bes, and 3) Construct financial goals for 2022.

This is the end of this blog post. I hope you also find a new courage to live life despite seeing no signs of betterment with covid. This shouldn’t stop us from living – our time here on earth diminishes everyday – and I wish you good health while planning out this new year.

this group kept my sanity.

2021 is f*cking grueling year. I can’t remember any year that pushed me so hard that I sometimes thought I already fell off the cliff and just trying to live because I am still breathing. This time, I don’t know how to explain what I feel, I just know I barely survived. I’m actually surprised that I’m still alive.

With all the hurdles I met, I helplessly went for the hands of my special someone, close friends, and exo for survival. If you read my posts last year, it was bts who saved me. Now, it’s my first love. It’s EXO. Call me crazy. But these boys who don’t even know my existence helped me in many ways that I couldn’t fathom how I will thank them someday.

With D.O. – It’s good and bad that he isn’t active on social media. Bad because I can’t get enough updates from him, but also good because when I get an update, you know the feeling of getting a surprise package? That’s it. Plus, he has been busy with films – I guess I won’t miss him once his works are all out.

With Xiumin – He’s my latest bias. I just can’t with his skin and his “baby-like” features. I want him as a friend, as a brother, and okay, as a husband maybe in my next life.

With Sehun – He is just so cute. He never fails to make me smile.

And with Lay – I want his job. Juggling work in China and South Korea, he really is that busy. And if I were to manifest something, it is having a job that needs business travel so I won’t be based on one country for every year.

I can go on with each member but I’m gonna stop here. From having heavy baggages carried by my heart before starting this post, I am now smiling just by choosing a picture I will use for each of these incredible boys.

Magic is what it is. I don’t know how but I know that without them, I could’ve been more bruised at the end of this year. I will still have them as my part of my support group next year. And here’s to hoping that 2022 will be better for all.

To you who might be going through difficult times, hold on to any glimpse of light your eyes can see. No matter how small it is. Regardless how crazy you think you might be. Not all can find hope in the midst of emotional storm. So if you do, don’t let it go.

We are now down with the last two days of 2021. I can’t wait for my calendar to recognize 2022 as the present. I can’t seem to feel at ease. I would be very thankful if nothing bad happens in the next two days. But since I will be going through the days anyway, I’ll think of how can I put posters on my room filled with exo. Funny, I don’t know where to buy or if there’s something available online. 😁

But nevermind, just the thought of filling up my mind with doing something related to exo makes me enthusiastic. And I will hold on to this. I will hold on to my glimmer of hope.

my mind’s a mess

I just wanted to decompress my thoughts here. I’ve stated many times that this wordpress account will always be my safe space where any thought is safe to be out. But now, I can’t even identify what I want to think. It’s overwhelming and most of them aren’t good. Maybe that’s why my brain is protecting me by not letting me focus on anything because I might dig my own grave and find it hard to crawl back to life. Nevertheless, I will do my best… for my sanity.

Melatonin tablets have been my friend for quite some time now. I am really trying my best not take them daily as my body might become dependent on them but I can’t help it. Sleep is a temporary escape from reality and I don’t plan to spend hours to go into that temporary refuge. If there’s a shortcut to go there, I will take it without second thought.

But you know what the downside is of not sleeping with a peaceful mind? Not even a sleeping pill can help it – you don’t wake up nicely. I can’t remember the last time that I woke up with a refreshed mind. I miss that feeling. I am a firm believer that your first mood affects your outlook for the rest of the day. Not always true, but saying “Good Morning!” genuinely hits different. I don’t to explain it further, I guess you already know what I’m trying to say.

Speaking of not sleeping well, you most probably know what mainly causes it. Stress. I often wonder how a peaceful household looks like. A home where harmony is felt, day in and day out. I didn’t have a rested childhood. My teens aren’t different too. And you got it right, adulthood is the same for me. One toxic family member can ruin everything. This is why living separately is a move that I will definitely make one day. I’m even being impatient at times by looking at sites that sells property and even renting options. I want this to end but I don’t know how to. There are just people who chose to be hopeless.

I’m also being hopeless. I just live each day of my life with the best effort I could put. Wishing for that one day, that one peaceful night, and that one refreshing morning. I recognize that whining over this won’t be of any help but it’s mentally healthy to release negative energies at some days. And this one of those days where I choose to be not okay.

To any one who’s feeling the same way while reading this, I hope this won’t push you to the underground further. I want to make you feel that you’re not alone. We will get through all of these, but just let ourselves grieve for today.

Now, I’m quite better. As I end this post, my brain lost a little weight of heavy negative thoughts. A little help is still a help. I actually think that my screen is very good listener. It absorbs what my mouth can’t utter. But my mind’s still a mess. I might even take a sleeping pill later. So, I still won’t wake up nicely tomorrow.

But hey, it’s Monday tomorrow and I have work. Not that I’m excited or motivated, it’s just fine and better to think of something else than drowning with thoughts I have now.

DE S01E06

It’s been a while since I got my energy back to write a new entry in this “diary” series for 2021. And it took some time because my mind was so busy thinking of ways how to divert my attention to new things after I finally moved on from a hard chapter of my life career-wise.

So, what’s new to me? I started investing! It was an enjoyable process for me because of a YouTuber named “Nicole Alba”. Search her name and you might also enjoy her vlogs. There were topics that seemed too complex for me before, but she explained it in a much easier way. I’m ashamed to say this but as a management accounting graduate, I honestly am dumb for anything investment-related topics. But that was before. I can share something now after watching more than ten videos of Nicole and other content creators who cover the same topics.

I now have this very simple dream in terms of salary – enough money for savings, expenses, and investment. I don’t need a lavish lifestyle, it isn’t for me. Just waking up without thinking of any financial problems is already an achievement. Growing up not having too much really makes you appreciate financial freedom or independence in a whole different level.

I also mentioned earlier that I went through so much career-wise this year and I want to finally open up that I went through problems with the house that we are building. Thankfully, the finish line isn’t unattainable anymore but the stress it caused was traumatic. My savings were also affected. I needed to shell out money to push through with the damages brought by our previous contractor who used our money for his personal reasons. I understand that he was left with no option but it isn’t our fault that he had problems. We had problems too, and the money we gave him are hard-earned and we aren’t rich. A few hundred thousand pesos is already too much for us. We then found a more trustworthy worker to complete the rest of our new home. But you know what, thinking of all we went through for that house, I really am certain that my second home is a condominium unit. I don’t want to go through all the processes of building a home, I just want a finished unit that I can transfer once I paid the required downpayment.

Owning my second home (the house that we are about to finish is also partly mine, I share the property’s name with my brother) is actually my next big goal. And I’m also happy to share with you that I’m typing this blog post in my new MacBook Air! This is the most expensive gift I gave to myself. Ironically, this is not a gift because I achieved a lot this year. I achieved more in the previous years. But as a working adult, 2021 is the year I endured the most. I also had covid last September. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, I was really challenged. But still, I am here. Thriving, struggling but surviving. So I rewarded myself for that fact. And to tell you authentically, it felt so good. I was elated to receive my package from apple. I will strongly suggest that you do this too. Reward yourself for hanging in there especially during this pandemic.

Looking back, I never really gifted myself anything expensive. It took me five years of work before I became comfortable spending this much for a single purchase. It felt like a small version of “Now, it’s about me” because ever since I started working, it’s all about sustaining a life for my family. I can really say that days are getting better. And I have this newly found hope that the years ahead of me will become brighter. For anyone who’s losing patience with life’s hardship, hang in there, work hard every day, and you’ll just see and realize one day that you are already far from where you started.

I smiled a little bit now and I stopped writing while having a thought of making a blog post in 2026 – using this MacBook Air while chillin’ in my newly bought condominium unit in Mandaluyong or Makati. I’ve been told of the power of manifesting so I’ll think everyday that my vision will become a reality. I’ll just keep on grinding in any job that’ll provide me the means to live and to dream.

That’s all I can share for now. I hope you’re all healthy while we are hopefully seeing the end of this dark tunnel that we started walking through in 2020. Take care!