I can clearly remember how I got excited whenever my sister calls me because “Matilda” was being played on HBO. I sat down and happily watched a story that I finished a number of times already. But yesterday, I decided to watch it again. I don’t know what exactly triggered me. I guess, I just missed Matilda? The young girl that I adored when I was young. She’s smart, she loved to read books (I can only wish that I loved reading books too) and she’s brave. I also remembered some of the characters like Bruce who ate a lot of chocolate cakes and Lavender who was a good friend to Matilda.

But as I watched the film again after more than a decade, I loved a differnet character. This time it was not Matilda. It wasn’t Bruce or Lavender either. It was Miss Honey – the teacher of the kids. Maybe because of the age when I watched the film? See. I liked Matilda and her friends when I watched it years ago. I think I’m just between 10-13 years old back then? Not so sure. But now I’m 24 and my heart was captured by their teacher.

One of the lines that struck my heart was: “Oh, I believe that you should believe in whatever power you think you have inside of you. Believe it with all your heart.” It was from Miss Honey.

After the movie, I took a short time to reflect on those words. I remembered how I was a dreamer when I was younger. I firmly believed back then that I can be whatever I want to be. I can be a dancer, an actor, a celebrity, a host or even a Summa Cum Laude graduate from UP Diliman finishing a law degree. Yes, I can remember my younger self imagining those things to happen just because I believed in what I can do. But that version of me changed slowly. Year by year, when I faced harsh realities of life, I felt like I’m being slapped with the truths that I remorsefully believed in. That I am not good as I thought of myself to be, that I am just a person with mediocre abilities. Until now, I’m still haunted by those thoughts. I feared a lot of things. I limited the directions that I took because I thought that I can just do this and that and I’m not meant to do some of the things that I want.

Watching the movie again did not change my mind. But if my beliefs gradually changed through time, it will also gradually get better. You know, it’s hard to believe in fairy tales or to imagine that you can just do whatever you put your heart and mind into when you get to adulthood facing responsibilities. You can’t just go and jump because you are not working to live just for yourself. But I’m glad I heard those words. They may not be impactful now but they gave me hope. A hope that my life isn’t over yet. As long as I wake up for another day, I get a chance to be better.

May we find the courage to start dreaming like a child again. That we can fly and reach places we want our wings to lead us to. To allow our hearts jump with joy as we decide to go for the things that we wanted to do for so long.

Turning our dream into reality is a long and exhausting process. It’s a journey of a thousand miles that begins with a single step. And I think that first step is to believe that you can reach the end of your journey.

Can’t Sleep

This is another episode of Rigor can’t sleep until it’s 3 or 4AM. My mid-shift schedule at work really changed my body clock. But writing at this hour makes my mind more authentic and creative at the same time.

I was thinking, what do I want my future to be? Since my dream is to have a place in the film industry, is a life in the public arena an inevitable option? Or should my love for films just push me to be a watcher because I need to get my shit done and earn money in the corporate world? You know what, I feel my 20s and my 30s are gonna be entirely different – 1) My 20s will be spent on making and saving money for my family. This is a decade full of grinding. My ultimate goal is to have salary of at least 60K (net) per month. We can happily live with that amount. My mom did not spoil us so I am used to live a simple life. Well, simple life may mean differently for us and I do realize that. 2) My 30s will be a pursuit of passion. By this time, I have saved enough for my family to live for a number of years and I have saved enough money too to pursue my dreams.

To be honest, I am thrilled just by thinking about my 30s. But there’s so much uncertainty. Unlike in the corporate world where I can drive my career and I know what to do to go futher.

These thoughts keep me awake sometimes. I am really the person who get anxiety thinking about his future. But don’t worry! I am training my mind to enjoy the present. To whoever might be reading this and feels the same way, you can also worry about your future. It’s normal. It’s valid. But let’s learn the lesson of enjoying the present. What we see right now and where we are right now. Because trust me, you’ll get to the point where worrying affects your current actions. Our mind can think of scenarios that aren’t happening or will never happen and then we overthink, and then we get frustrated.

When I celebrated my birthday, I had an IG story where I said: “I’m 24 and I’m not where I want to be and that’s okay. We’ll get there” (Not the exact words though). And then someone replied – “I think you’re right where you need to be. They say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Or, as I would say it… There’s is only one way to eat an elephant….one bite at a time 😂” – That’s actually a good message. It comforted me. We may seem to feel lost and walking with no direction but maybe we need not to figure everything out. Where we are is exactly where we need to be. And happiness is where we are and we won’t be happy if we’ll always think that we can only feel that way if we’re in a different place or time.

As I’m about to finish this, I am taking time to reflect and to feel thankful for the time I have with my family. We are still far from beating covid-19. But if there’s one thing that I liked with what’s happening around us is that I’m with my family 24/7. I can’t remember being like this since I started working. I guess this is an example of appreciating the present?

BUT I am still aware of the fight that we need to win. A fight with the ones exposed by covid-19. You know what I mean 🤫 I am one with all the Filipinos fighting for our present and for our future.

Cup of coffee at 12:34 AM

This is my first post here. I got inspired by Bela Padilla. She’s Overthinkween here! As much as I’m already talkative, I still find comfort in sharing my thoughts through words. The thought of me looking back at my posts excites me. It’s like a moment captured by a picture. The only difference is that I may have a different interpretation by the time I look back at a certain post. Since the memory was shared through words, I may imagine differently from when I actually wrote the post to the time I’m looking back.

So what’s the relevance of the title? Well, I literally made my coffee before I started typing here in my iPhone 6s. I mentioned the unit because I am in a relationship with this phone for 4 years and 4 months. And I feel like she’s retiring soon.

We’re still under quarantine for four months already and coping with the new normal isn’t easy for everyone. Plus all the happenings in our country? It’s hard to feel at ease. But if I were to see the beauty in chaos, I will say the ff:

1. Angel Locsin should be our last Darna. She embodied what the character stood for. Her contract expired even before the franchise issue heated up but you can see in her actions that she feels for the people affected by the denial of the congress.

2. We are waking up people. I see some celebrities showing their support for abs-cbn. I see people expressing that they feel the need to voice out because the injustices are just too visible to ignore. What I really hope is that those who saw everything can translate their hunger for change in 2022 by voting wisely.

3. Influencers – That this has a meaning. This isn’t something that you just claim. And when you see your power to influence people, use it. Not only when money is involved. Use it more when people need it from you.

4. This is something personal. Not related to the first three. But I celebrated my birthday in June. Under quarantine with very few visitors. And this year I started to change, I won’t have birthday wishes. I’ll have resolutions. And one of those is to continue to write. I’m currently working from home and as much it is draining, I also had more time to think. More time to reflect. I was able to identify what I wanted to do before I grow older in the coming years. So there. Those resolutions are bound to help me do things that matter to me and I really had time to ponder on what those things are.

I’ll end it here. I think I have already shared what’s on my mind right now.