In another world, in another life

As much as we want to own the life we are given, I just have this strange thought of wishing a life we want in our next lives. What if we can actually drop a coin in a mysterious well that can grant our wishes? The only catch is that, we will only get the answers after we die. That’s only when we can realize if the well made our desires come true, when we are reborn in a different body.

I know it’s hella strange of an idea but it’s midnight so my mind isn’t in its normal state. I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought of his own personal desires when confronted with problems rooted from circumstances at birth. One good example, I wished that I was born in a different country and from an affluent family, and as a daughter. I want to be born in a country more developed than the Philippines, I want to grow up in a family where money is never an issue so I can take up whatever course program in college, I want to be a girl just so I have a wide array of choices for clothes to wear on several occasions.

Those three things won’t guarantee a better life and it’s not what I expected either. I just want to live differently, and then go to that well again to wish for my next lifetime.

I’m honestly not sure how will I own this life I currently have. I feel like I’m not using this gift while my time here on earth is ticking. Each day I wake up is less then a day I’ll live. That thought frightens me to the core but I’m more frustrated that I can’t even move my feet to do something about it. I just want to go out and wander around, no direction or map to follow, but just let my feet go somewhere so I can feel that I’m spending my time with a little sense of reason.

As I’m writing this, the world is still in disarray. For us, we seemed to be moving forward but we aren’t. My bank is ready, my bag can be packed in a day, I am wholehearted to explore, but then I still can’t move a step. This is how frustrating it is. I have ideas in mind on how I can deal with my unfriendly thoughts but the universe won’t allow even a single move.

In the following months, I bet we’re still stuck. Our house frankly looks like a prison. Just a better prison with enough food and water to sustain decent living. And behind prison bars are inmates spending longer days than the rest of the world. People around me are saying how fast days pass by, but I feel otherwise. I’m itching to finish every single day. I’m now like an inmate inside the rooms of our house.

And like all the prisoners who spend countless hours thinking how they’ll live after their sentence, I also consumed an unhealthy amount of time thinking and questioning. What will I be like in another world, in another life? Would the way I live in this lifetime affect the world I will be born in after I reincarnate? Or will I have it worse because I haven’t done anything purposeful yet?

Difficult questions, right? I’m not seeking for answers for now. I’m just hanging in there and hoping that my days aren’t numbered yet – so maybe in this life, in this world, I can be someone who did something before he left.

DE S02E03

I waited for exactly 14 minutes before I started this post. Nothing special, I just wanted to write this on the last day of February. I just stopped for a bit when I realized that we are now done with two months of 2022. Personally, I’m looking forward for the activities that I plan to do for the rest of the year. But to be very honest, I am quite scared about the future. Not about my career or anything, but all about what can happen in the world. I only knew of world war 1 and 2 on my history books, but I didn’t expect that it might actually happen in my generation. Ukraine and Russia are far from the Philippines but who knows what’ll be the next chapter of their war? Just thinking about it right after seeing some light with this pandemic makes me not want to live for the future even more. I will live my life every single day.

Speaking of my plans this year, my team (past and current members) just had an overnight outing last Friday. It was fun. I saw how we all missed communicating face-to-face and my throat got really tired of talking about so many topics. I felt like meeting a group of people you know should be a two days, one night event – seriously, I still have a lot to talk about with them. Virtual meetings won’t cut it. Though I love working from home, my extrovert side still wants to talk to people physically. Meeting the people I treasure in life is a must for me now that the pandemic seems to push for our new normal already.

When I got home on the afternoon of Saturday, I immediately felt so sad. I knew this feeling. It’s very familiar with what I felt when the fact that I might be having my last few moments with the people close to me know may soon be my reality. I can clearly remember how I got silently emotional in my last regular day in high school. I thought I’ll never get over it but you know, time heals and we all eventually need to grow up. And thinking about it now, I was young back then. I was supposed to leave and meet new friends. True enough, I met new people and left so many friends simply because we grew apart and walked on different paths. It has been the same process in university. It was easer for me though because I was more focused on getting a job and earning my own money. I already consider myself lucky for retaining a handful of friends from college up until now.

But at work, I honestly didn’t expect to feel this. It wasn’t in my plan. All along, my mind was conditioned that the corporate world is a jungle – you need to kill and avoid being killed.

I have questions in mind:

Am I really that lucky to have good relationships with people at my work?

Do I need to be a workaholic freak in my new team to avoid getting attached?

Am I just the type of person who gets along so well with some people that building friendships comes naturally?

I still don’t have answers but one thing is for sure, I will need to go through the process I hated in high school and in university. The process of being happy when you found comfort in people and letting them go because you all can’t stay in one place and we’re all working towards our growth.

I’m just emotional right now but I’m sure I’ll get over this. And without force, I will be maintaining long term friendships with people I will naturally gravitate with.

Tomorrow, March 1, I will be starting a new journey. I will finally be a regular in the gym to have an active lifestyle. I want a body that I will be happy seeing in the mirror. I hate my fats. But I love to eat. So, the only way to still enjoy eating is to exercise and be wiser on what I will be taking in to my body. I’m now getting back to exploring new things – hoping to meet fresh faces along the way (and still willing to go through the process I hate).

Ending this post by saying that living in the present and in the moment is the best way to have a life you won’t regret. Turn down your phone when you are with people. Look at them in the eye, listen to their words, and make each moment count. At 25, I am not expecting to have frequent trips with friends. When I have one, I make sure to cherish them. I’m on my phone and my laptop almost everyday and it won’t hurt if I neglect them when I’m with the people I like. Last Friday, my phone was always away from me. And you know what I felt? I already mentioned this but I felt the lack of time in talking to them.

As I wrap this up, I feel lighter as I did live on that present. That’s the silver lining – I saw the good moments with my eyes and not through my phone’s screen.

DE S02E02

I woke up at 1:44 PM yesterday. I already find it hard to sleep before 3 AM. So, if I woke up so late, how can I expect my eyes to close earlier? That’s why I’m here. To write, to update whoever reads this, and to help myself fall asleep as much as I can.

Two months ago, I messaged a friend and told him that I may not be able to get used to my life in a new place. I might find ways to go back to the metro. It’s funny how it all changed so suddenly. Our house is located at the dead end of our subdivision’s street. There are just literally two houses before us at the dead end. And with this location, you don’t expect to hear cars blowing their horns. It’s totally different from living in a busy city. I got used to waking up very peacefully and this is my … vibe?

Last year, I made steps to find a work that pays more. I even came to a point where salary is my top priority in finding a new corporate prison. I was so close in giving up a company that has a good culture and does not stress me out everyday. But while I’m living here in our new home, and not wanting to see cars and hear the sounds they make, I have a new non-negotiable — no permanent office setup. Okay, I can give in with a hybrid working arrangement. But I can’t imagine myself commuting five days a week. Just, no. I can’t.

I might not be able to find the perfect words to express how much I love a slow life. I like simple and peaceful days. It’s now my goal to give myself a life that’s not elevated my material things, decorated by expensive stuff, and defined by anything monetary. I never imagined myself to change as early as 25. Way back when I was a student, success just means being a manager as early as I can. I defined success before with a title. But I’m not that person anymore.

With that, I want to share something that may let you think deeper if you’re lost. I’m supposed to be stressed out having a quarter-life crisis but here I am, slowly, consciously, and intentionally discovering who I am by taking small steps.

How do you define happiness? What is your definition of success? Did you define it? Did you really do? Or you had it because someone told you so? No, I’m not saying that they are wrong and after hearing my words, you’ll be convinced that I’m right. I have no intention of doing that. I’m just here to ask you questions I asked myself. Because I found good answers. By knowing who defined my happiness, I found my way out. My way out is stepping down from thinking that my satisfaction is getting all those prestigious awards, titles, and earning the most among my peers. I’ve come to a realization that I am happy if I can live simply, peacefully, and slowly. I don’t need the latest gadgets, designer goods (I prefer eco-friendly stuff), and instagram-worthy life.

My life is getting better. Not yet to the level I dream of, but I am definitely in a kinder place than last year. When they always said that happiness starts with you and it’s within you, I finally understood what they meant. Though it helps moving in a different place (like in my case), you must also make a choice every single day.

We’re just in the second month of the year but I have so many things to look forward to already. I will be fighting for a slot this week to get a lot for EXO’s 10th anniversary on April 9. I already bought the merch bundle. That makes me smile so much 🙂 While I’m writing this, I am listening to Paul Kim. My friends already know how much I love that South Korean singer. And lately, J_ust has captured my heart. I am also still a fan of K-Dramas and I’m watching When the Camellia Blooms now. Watch it! There’s a reason why they won Daesang in Baeksang Awards.

My heart is also flying with the clouds as Son Ye-jin is getting married. She’s one of the two actresses I admire so much. Another one is Gong Hyo-jin. She’s one of the reasons why I pushed getting a tattoo. That girl also influenced me to take steps being an environmental activist. I am now using shampoo bars ❤

See? There’s nothing grand with my days. But I’m truly fine with them. I changed. And I changed for the better by not being defined and structured by other people or by some culture/system. I am just living my life according to me.

DE S02E01

How are you all doing?

Me? I feel mostly the same but somewhat different. Though to be vey honest, I can’t identify what’s with 2022 as it feels very similar to 2020 and 2021. I know, I know, most of you might feel hopeless as we still can’t see the end of this global pandemic. But personally, I think that we need to live with it. It’s close to impossible to zero out the new cases as we encounter new variants. Living with it is the best we can do to continue living the new normal.

I’m writing this post after waking up from a phone call. I got my order from Shopee! I’m so excited as I got the wall decors of the other five members of Exo. From my previous post, I well-said that they saved my 2021 so it will be better for me to see their faces everyday with the wall decors I bought. It gave life to my little room. The driver got lost finding our address so I waited for about ten minutes and when I got back to my bed, my body refuses to sleep again. So, I picked up my laptop, opened my spotify to listen to J_ust (listen to this South Korean singer!), and decided to have a new entry to my online journal.

Truthfully, I still don’t know what 2022 will be like for me. Right now, I’m just praying that all goes well as we plan to celebrate Christmas and New Year in London with my sister. My January and December are already filled up. My sister is currently here and the best part of it is that I’m working from home so I have more time with her. We are also getting a tattoo on the 23rd which I’m very excited about. I’m not sure why I’m so worked up with it but I guess I’m just in the process of knowing myself more. Speaking of that, I’m happily having a different journey as I traverse my 25th year on earth. Well, in terms of career, I am not quite sure if my current job will land me to a place I desire or whether I want my future to be similar with what I do now. But in terms of knowing myself as a person, I think I’m going into the right direction. I now have a new goal which is to buy a house and lot of my own.

Yes, I do have a house now but I want a place where I can live on my own. I think I can learn so much when I have no one to lean on and do everything by myself. This is a tough goal that requires tough decisions – which makes it worthwhile.

Another thing that goes around my mind lately is about living intentionally. I subscribed to “Malama Life” in YouTube and I love how calming her vlogs are. It grounds me to the life I actually want. A simple, quiet, slow, and peaceful life. I’m starting to give away a lot of clothes, simplifying the things I have, and just buying those that spark joy (inserting Marie Kondo).

Living outside the metro for almost a month changed my outlook. I’ve always been a “city guy” and I can remember writing in this blog (search up “Tiny”) how I badly wanted a condo around Mandaluyong or Makati. I thought I can’t get used to a less convenient place. But I was proven wrong by this place I’m currently living in. The next house and lot I want to purchase is also around here. I’m just not in the state where I want to stay within Metro Manila. Not now, for sure.

My day-to-day life has been slower lately. And I’m not complaining. It’s a complete opposite of how much I wanted to end 2021 every single day. I simply don’t care that much what day are we in. I’m just living life one day at a time. Though I still want to do something everyday – okay, okay, it’s time to plug! I waited for this. Lol. I’m just kidding. Please like on Facebook! I’m a co-editor in that page. I found this as a way to make my 2022 different from 2020 and 2021.

As I get ready to take my morning shower (this is the first agenda of my everyday, I don’t feel good waking up and stepping out of my room without taking a good shower), I am planning to do three things for this lazy Sunday: 1) Finalize my tattoo designs, 2) Make a post in Korean Bes, and 3) Construct financial goals for 2022.

This is the end of this blog post. I hope you also find a new courage to live life despite seeing no signs of betterment with covid. This shouldn’t stop us from living – our time here on earth diminishes everyday – and I wish you good health while planning out this new year.

this group kept my sanity.

2021 is f*cking grueling year. I can’t remember any year that pushed me so hard that I sometimes thought I already fell off the cliff and just trying to live because I am still breathing. This time, I don’t know how to explain what I feel, I just know I barely survived. I’m actually surprised that I’m still alive.

With all the hurdles I met, I helplessly went for the hands of my special someone, close friends, and exo for survival. If you read my posts last year, it was bts who saved me. Now, it’s my first love. It’s EXO. Call me crazy. But these boys who don’t even know my existence helped me in many ways that I couldn’t fathom how I will thank them someday.

With D.O. – It’s good and bad that he isn’t active on social media. Bad because I can’t get enough updates from him, but also good because when I get an update, you know the feeling of getting a surprise package? That’s it. Plus, he has been busy with films – I guess I won’t miss him once his works are all out.

With Xiumin – He’s my latest bias. I just can’t with his skin and his “baby-like” features. I want him as a friend, as a brother, and okay, as a husband maybe in my next life.

With Sehun – He is just so cute. He never fails to make me smile.

And with Lay – I want his job. Juggling work in China and South Korea, he really is that busy. And if I were to manifest something, it is having a job that needs business travel so I won’t be based on one country for every year.

I can go on with each member but I’m gonna stop here. From having heavy baggages carried by my heart before starting this post, I am now smiling just by choosing a picture I will use for each of these incredible boys.

Magic is what it is. I don’t know how but I know that without them, I could’ve been more bruised at the end of this year. I will still have them as my part of my support group next year. And here’s to hoping that 2022 will be better for all.

To you who might be going through difficult times, hold on to any glimpse of light your eyes can see. No matter how small it is. Regardless how crazy you think you might be. Not all can find hope in the midst of emotional storm. So if you do, don’t let it go.

We are now down with the last two days of 2021. I can’t wait for my calendar to recognize 2022 as the present. I can’t seem to feel at ease. I would be very thankful if nothing bad happens in the next two days. But since I will be going through the days anyway, I’ll think of how can I put posters on my room filled with exo. Funny, I don’t know where to buy or if there’s something available online. 😁

But nevermind, just the thought of filling up my mind with doing something related to exo makes me enthusiastic. And I will hold on to this. I will hold on to my glimmer of hope.

my mind’s a mess

I just wanted to decompress my thoughts here. I’ve stated many times that this wordpress account will always be my safe space where any thought is safe to be out. But now, I can’t even identify what I want to think. It’s overwhelming and most of them aren’t good. Maybe that’s why my brain is protecting me by not letting me focus on anything because I might dig my own grave and find it hard to crawl back to life. Nevertheless, I will do my best… for my sanity.

Melatonin tablets have been my friend for quite some time now. I am really trying my best not take them daily as my body might become dependent on them but I can’t help it. Sleep is a temporary escape from reality and I don’t plan to spend hours to go into that temporary refuge. If there’s a shortcut to go there, I will take it without second thought.

But you know what the downside is of not sleeping with a peaceful mind? Not even a sleeping pill can help it – you don’t wake up nicely. I can’t remember the last time that I woke up with a refreshed mind. I miss that feeling. I am a firm believer that your first mood affects your outlook for the rest of the day. Not always true, but saying “Good Morning!” genuinely hits different. I don’t to explain it further, I guess you already know what I’m trying to say.

Speaking of not sleeping well, you most probably know what mainly causes it. Stress. I often wonder how a peaceful household looks like. A home where harmony is felt, day in and day out. I didn’t have a rested childhood. My teens aren’t different too. And you got it right, adulthood is the same for me. One toxic family member can ruin everything. This is why living separately is a move that I will definitely make one day. I’m even being impatient at times by looking at sites that sells property and even renting options. I want this to end but I don’t know how to. There are just people who chose to be hopeless.

I’m also being hopeless. I just live each day of my life with the best effort I could put. Wishing for that one day, that one peaceful night, and that one refreshing morning. I recognize that whining over this won’t be of any help but it’s mentally healthy to release negative energies at some days. And this one of those days where I choose to be not okay.

To any one who’s feeling the same way while reading this, I hope this won’t push you to the underground further. I want to make you feel that you’re not alone. We will get through all of these, but just let ourselves grieve for today.

Now, I’m quite better. As I end this post, my brain lost a little weight of heavy negative thoughts. A little help is still a help. I actually think that my screen is very good listener. It absorbs what my mouth can’t utter. But my mind’s still a mess. I might even take a sleeping pill later. So, I still won’t wake up nicely tomorrow.

But hey, it’s Monday tomorrow and I have work. Not that I’m excited or motivated, it’s just fine and better to think of something else than drowning with thoughts I have now.

DE S01E06

It’s been a while since I got my energy back to write a new entry in this “diary” series for 2021. And it took some time because my mind was so busy thinking of ways how to divert my attention to new things after I finally moved on from a hard chapter of my life career-wise.

So, what’s new to me? I started investing! It was an enjoyable process for me because of a YouTuber named “Nicole Alba”. Search her name and you might also enjoy her vlogs. There were topics that seemed too complex for me before, but she explained it in a much easier way. I’m ashamed to say this but as a management accounting graduate, I honestly am dumb for anything investment-related topics. But that was before. I can share something now after watching more than ten videos of Nicole and other content creators who cover the same topics.

I now have this very simple dream in terms of salary – enough money for savings, expenses, and investment. I don’t need a lavish lifestyle, it isn’t for me. Just waking up without thinking of any financial problems is already an achievement. Growing up not having too much really makes you appreciate financial freedom or independence in a whole different level.

I also mentioned earlier that I went through so much career-wise this year and I want to finally open up that I went through problems with the house that we are building. Thankfully, the finish line isn’t unattainable anymore but the stress it caused was traumatic. My savings were also affected. I needed to shell out money to push through with the damages brought by our previous contractor who used our money for his personal reasons. I understand that he was left with no option but it isn’t our fault that he had problems. We had problems too, and the money we gave him are hard-earned and we aren’t rich. A few hundred thousand pesos is already too much for us. We then found a more trustworthy worker to complete the rest of our new home. But you know what, thinking of all we went through for that house, I really am certain that my second home is a condominium unit. I don’t want to go through all the processes of building a home, I just want a finished unit that I can transfer once I paid the required downpayment.

Owning my second home (the house that we are about to finish is also partly mine, I share the property’s name with my brother) is actually my next big goal. And I’m also happy to share with you that I’m typing this blog post in my new MacBook Air! This is the most expensive gift I gave to myself. Ironically, this is not a gift because I achieved a lot this year. I achieved more in the previous years. But as a working adult, 2021 is the year I endured the most. I also had covid last September. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, I was really challenged. But still, I am here. Thriving, struggling but surviving. So I rewarded myself for that fact. And to tell you authentically, it felt so good. I was elated to receive my package from apple. I will strongly suggest that you do this too. Reward yourself for hanging in there especially during this pandemic.

Looking back, I never really gifted myself anything expensive. It took me five years of work before I became comfortable spending this much for a single purchase. It felt like a small version of “Now, it’s about me” because ever since I started working, it’s all about sustaining a life for my family. I can really say that days are getting better. And I have this newly found hope that the years ahead of me will become brighter. For anyone who’s losing patience with life’s hardship, hang in there, work hard every day, and you’ll just see and realize one day that you are already far from where you started.

I smiled a little bit now and I stopped writing while having a thought of making a blog post in 2026 – using this MacBook Air while chillin’ in my newly bought condominium unit in Mandaluyong or Makati. I’ve been told of the power of manifesting so I’ll think everyday that my vision will become a reality. I’ll just keep on grinding in any job that’ll provide me the means to live and to dream.

That’s all I can share for now. I hope you’re all healthy while we are hopefully seeing the end of this dark tunnel that we started walking through in 2020. Take care!

Remembering some summers in this rainy season

It was summer. No classes for two months. No plans yet but you just don’t want the restful days to end. You wake up, eat breakfast or lunch or brunch, and then play computer games, watch anime in the afternoon, eat snacks, and dinner shortly afterwards. That was a routine – a boring one as I look at it now – but I wonder how did I manage to get through those days? Phones back then aren’t that smart, I just remember sending group messages to my friends twice or thrice a day.

And sometimes I do send a group message intended to a specific person just because I want a response and start a conversation – this is flirting before messenger and other social media apps became a huge thing. I know I’m not the only one. Come on! 🙂

I had no money back then aside from my small savings from my weekly allowances. Yet, I found ways to enjoy life. I can recall those moments when I looked forward to afternoons because I was close to almost all the maids that we had and we often go out to buy street food. Since it was summer, halo-halo is the best one to buy. My mom usually gives me money but sometimes I get treated. I have no specific plans for this post, it just happened that I can’t sleep yet so I will try to remember ate “Alona” who worked for us for over a year, I guess? She was the closest I have ever been with. And my fond memories with her mostly happened during my summer breaks.

She sings well. That was the first thing that came to my mind. Whenever there was an event in our house, she would sing a couple of songs in the karaoke and I remember how pleasant her voice was. She’s very caring too. She wasn’t a pain in the ass type of maid and we all treated her as someone equal to us. She was very respectful and I can clearly remember how I spent a lot of time in our terrace. Ate Alona did her ironing of clothes in the terrace and I would go there voluntarily to talk about anything. I usually asked everything about her boyfriend and the one that I remember the most is asking what their theme song was. I was a child back then and I honestly thought that every couple should have a theme song. Well, it isn’t that cringey – it can be sweet too.

Speaking of sweet, there’s an ice cream store near our house that you can reach within a five-minute walk. I always wanted to go there because I love ice cream so much, until now actually. Naturally, I would buy the ones that didn’t cost a lot but I was always craving for “banana split” and other products in their menu which were expensive for me back then. I was very vocal to my ate Alona that I wanted to try them but she also can’t give me that because as you know, maids don’t earn that much unless you work for Kris Aquino or Sharon Cuneta. Kidding aside, I understood why I can’t always get a treat from her. But one day, I was wrestling with the pillows on my parents’ room (I am a huge fan of wrestling and actually dreamt if becoming one in WWE) and she called me: “Gor tara, punta tayo ice cream store”. (Let’s go to the ice cream store). I didn’t think I knew that it’s gonna be a special day. She treated me with the more expensive options in the menu! I finally got my banana split! It happened once and I’m so thankful for my brain that I can still reminisce that moment. It was nothing special until I’m writing this.

Normally, my mom would allow her to go back in their province to celebrate Christmas and New Year. I understood that she needed to go to her family but I didn’t hide the fact that I was lonely. I talked to her more often than my siblings and parents. I found comfort. I think I can say that I had a friend in her. I was around 11 or 12 years old and she was around 18-20? I genuinely think that my bond with people older than me started when I was young. Right now, my closest friends at work are at least five years older than I am. Okay that was a personal trivia, going back – I patiently waited for the day that she’ll come back to the point that my family teased me about it. But I was really excited because my days will surely be brighter with her around in our house.

I can’t remember the exact date that she decided to marry and leave our home. Though I am quite certain that it was in my second year in high school. I didn’t have the chance to personally say goodbye as I woke up early in the morning to go to school and she was also busy in her last day of doing household chores. That made me sad. I didn’t realize how sad I was until I received a text message from her saying: “Gor, alis na ko. I’ll miss u.” (I am now leaving. I’ll miss you). I’m honestly feeling a little bit lonely remembering that moment right now. That was our last conversation. It wasn’t even in person. I’m thankful though ‘coz I might tear up and be embarrassed right away. But that was really our last conversation.

I didn’t bother to know her surname. I had no facebook back then and I had literally no idea that social media apps will rule the future and will be a tool for reconnecting with old acquaintances or friends. After this, I will try my luck and search for her. I can still remember her face. But I’m not getting my hopes up. I am just happy that I will be putting my memories with her by writing this post. I cannot trust my memory as I get older so I’ll be going back to my blog every time I want to relive my moments with ate Alona, especially those summers with her.

i got my turn with covid and we dated for two grueling days

You read it right, I got the covid-19 virus and thankfully I feel much healthier now and my symptoms went away last Friday, September 10. Per medical assessment, they counted the start of my symptoms on September 1 when I first had my night shift fever (I’m okay by the day but heating up at night) but I think it all started with stomachaches and diarrhea during the last 4 or 5 days of August.

I thought it was just because of my online deliveries from food panda – I was enticed with this store that offered free delivery and discounted prices. Who wouldn’t? When I healed from those stomachaches, I stopped ordering from that particular store but I did not stop ordering from other shops available around my area. And there were times that I got lazy wearing a mask while receiving my food from several drivers. As we all know, these drivers have a nature of work that requires them to go around different places. I think that’s where I got the virus. The last time I went out before I felt something with my body was on July 19 when I got my first dose of astrazeneca. So, clearly it wasn’t because I went out and left our house.

On the night of September 6, I was literally like a girl on fire. My fever was at its worst since the first of September. I willed my way through with biogesic capsules and tried my best to sleep and let my body get some rest. When I woke up the next morning, I had this urge to spray alcohol at the palm of my hand to test my sense of smell. And I did not smell anything. That was alarming knowing how strong the scent of alcohol is. The next that I did was to taste the gummy bears I have in my room. I chose the strongest flavor but I wasn’t able to taste the fruity strawberry burst. I immediately went to my mom and told my situation as calmly as I can. I gave her instructions, again as calmly as I can.

I started isolating on September 7 and I was just getting my food through a chair where my mom puts it and then knocks on my door to let me know that my meal is already there. In the afternoon, I transferred to another room. My current room had no comfort room so I needed to go to my brother’s room if I need to. That would be unsafe and a hassle so we decided that I occupy my brother’s room so I can freely go to the comfort room without needing to go out. I got tested on September 8 and as expected, the result was positive.

September 7 & 8 were the dates I struggled the most. Even though you read so many articles as to how you can prepare yourself when you have covid, it still feels different. It’s like having a good rehearsal but still struggling when the actual event takes place. And as I tried so hard to look calm and collected, I failed to influence the people around me. I understand them. If I were in their shoes, I would probably show signs of panic too. Hopefully, it just lasted for a day and my family accepted what happened and thought of what to do in the coming days. I still had my night shift fever until the next day. September 8 was my most emotional day. Why? I wasn’t aware that there was a mandate by the QC local government unit that all covid-positive patients should be transferred to health care quarantine facilities to avoid the spread of the new variants.

A lot of questions popped out of my mind. What kind of care will I receive in those facilities? Would it be better than being taken cared of by my own family? What do I need to bring? With all those confusion, I decided to pack clothes, hygiene kits, vitamins, gadgets, and anything I thought that I needed. I cried when I was lying on my bed thinking of how long will my days be in the quarantine facility I will be assigned to. My siblings also got worried. My mother also shed tears but understood the medical attention that I might need. That was hard for me. I’m not used to being the one they need to worry for. As a breadwinner for almost a year, I’m more comfortable thinking about them and not the other way around.

The following day, September 9, people from our barangay went to our house for contact tracing. All my worries disappeared when they said I don’t need to go to a quarantine facility anymore. Stating the reasom that my symptoms started on September 1 and they usually keep patients for 10 days. If they would still get me, I would just be staying for two days and that would just be a hassle and there might be no benefit to get from it. The people in our house so got tested the following day and thankfully they weren’t experiencing any symptoms at all. The test results aren’t out yet but hearing that they don’t feel anything wrong with their bodies made me feel better.

Looking back, I can say what I did wrong and my reasons behind it. First, I started having fever and fatigue since the start of this month but I thought it was just a normal flu. I didn’t have colds or cough. If you feel sick, be on guard already because you will never know how your body will react to the virus. On my hardest days, I feel tired with simple physical movements and speaking just one sentence tires my already. I can breathe fine when I’m at rest but I just don’t have the energy to do anything. I was late in getting an oximeter but thankfully, my lungs got better. And you know what was also difficult for me in my journey? Starting August 31, there wasn’t a single day that I did not see a death news of my facebook feed. Some of them are natural causes and life-threatening illnesses but most of them are due to covid. I feared for my life and thought that seeing those news every single day might be a premonition that I might be next. I was scared and being isolated while feeling all that is something I would never want to experience again.

As I survived this virus, I felt like I’m given another shot at life. This I think is my third, my second was when I fell on the floor and a part of head needed to be stitched. I was only around two years old at that time. And now this my third life – I’m carefully thinking on how I should love my body more. How I should take care of my overall well-being because covid for me wasn’t just a physical battle, it was psychological too. I will be finishing my two-week quarantine period on Tuesday and I can’t wait to live how I was before this roller coaster ride.

I never expected that covid will come at me, but I’m at peace with the thought that there are reasons why it hit me. I may not know all of it now, but I guess this is a good sign that I might need to love myself even better moving forward. I can’t wait for my second dose next month, but for now I get this temporary immunity with the antibodies that I developed after winning this battle.

Covid-19, I just defeated you and I’ll be on my guard in case you visit my peaceful life again. 😉

DE S01E05

At last, I felt bad with not being able to do anything new this year. I was forgiving myself since the lockdown as I prioritized my mental & physical health but the effect has been reversed. I’m not mentally okay with not learning nor trying anything crazy as my days/months went on.

Since I’m a survivor of my own anxiety attacks & depression, this time I quickly made an action. First, I made an IG account to put on K-Drama reviews so I can share my thoughts. And second, my impulsive mind at midnight bought a stylus after I downloaded a sketchpad app on my phone. I opened more outlets for my busy and unpredictable brain – a blog, an IG account, & digital sketchpad. I’m hugging myself right now. A small win, I guess?

This past few weeks, I also am not physically healthy as I was usually. I had diarrhea on the last week of August and then recovered on the first day of September. I also experienced sporadic mild fever that goes away after resting. You see, I am not 100% okay physically & mentally – did I fail myself from my goal last year? I think so.

It may sound uncomfortable to hear but I think of the days I wake up as bonuses for my life and I’ve been feeding myself good food lately. For as young as I am, some may think I’m weird to think this way but I stand by my realistic view that a day may be my last. And it clearly doesn’t help that we’re still tirelessly fighting with this pandemic.

As I am writing this, I am enjoying my calamansi juice (I told you, I’m looking after myself well) and easing my mind of some compressed thoughts that I just shared here. Three more days and we will be having new guidelines for the quarantine and I’m fervently wishing that our city will have more loose restrictions as I’m dying to get a whole body massage. My back is killing me. I’m not joking, it’s getting uncomfortable especially today. Do you know any remedies if I can’t get a massage this September? Thank you in advance.

In about 20 minutes, I’ll return to my bed and call it a day – looking forward to open my eyes for another chance at life. Good night!