Room Nineteen

Just a year over what they call “quarter-life” crisis, I found myself in a myriad of emotions. I’m writing this in a hotel room I booked when I was so darn tired of work. It wasn’t a mistake though. I am at peace. Albeit I’m not sure if I’m walking on eggshells because I’m not used to this. I craved for this solitude but I guess this and I, are still new to each other. Will I repeat this? Definitely! It’s now close to 12MN and I promised myself to decompress my thoughts. I need to know what I feel and understand where they are coming from. So, here I am, writing this while waiting for my chai tea latte from Starbucks I ordered via Grab.

I’ll start right away. First, I feel like I’m not realizing the potential I have. There are whispers around my ears saying I am meant to fly. I have no problems with my current work. Overall, I won’t trade it for any other company in my country. But I just think I am not meant to live a nice templated corporate climb. That’s not who I am. Ever since. I was someone who people thought would go this way, but I always end up going another way. It isn’t something I planned just to create that image – I was forced to be a certain person and I just find ways to sneak in to find the path I am willing to walk, even with dinosaurs ahead of me.

This seemed easy. That’s what I thought. But the emotional Asian household won’t let me. You know, being a gay and youngest in the family has a lot of disadvantages. Here’s the worst – you have this unwanted responsibility of taking good care of your parents because your older siblings went their own ways. Of course they’ll say that if they could choose, they want to stay at home, be with family – but I will never understand that, yet. I’m at an age where I could take risks, fail, learn a lot, but I feel like I should live a more secured life because someone relies on me. I already declared that I will not have kids. But that is in no way an opening to take care of others. Why can’t they think that maybe because I have no capacity of taking care of others and that’s why I chose a childfree life? Ah yes, this is an Asian household. Some weird Filipino family culture I was never a fan of.

And now I’m lost. Weeks before, I talked with a counselor and I clearly mentioned that I am comfortable with this direction-less life because that is exciting for me. I have so many roads to walk on. But now, I have no idea where to go. I’m tired of explaining that I want to go from here to there without a clear plan just because I am not getting younger and when is the best time to take risks? You know the answer. The funny thing is – when they hear success stories of other people who took risks – you can see their smiles. But when you want to foray on a field you’re not expected to go, strangers are more supportive. Yes, I get it. People might say I am misinterpreting their concern. But no. I fully understand. I made it clear that whatever I do, I will pick myself up. I will not bother anyone. And that, I think, they are not onboarded with.

Believe me, I don’t even know what I want to do tomorrow. Life isn’t exciting to me anymore. I live for the bills I need to pay. And that’s it. No more, no less. I miss my old ambitious self. When the responsibilities you did not sign up for come in once you’ve become a functioning member of society, your dreams are very vulnerable to shattering. And coming from my own experience, this roots from having children when you are not financially prepared. If you’re reading this and you just want to have a family but your bank account never said it was ready, DON’T. I am bearing the weight I did not ask for. I’m tired of this life, honestly.

“Honestly”, the last word in the previous paragraph. Funny. I am not honest most of the past few days. I’m wearing different masks depending on the situation. Who I am with, where I’m at, or how I should act. I watched this Korean Drama entitled, “Because This is My First Life”, and one of the books the characters mentioned was “To Room Nineteen” by Doris Lessing. I want to have that book. But basically it’s about people having their own room 19. A room you don’t want others, no matter how close they are to you, to see. This resonates to my life right now. The only time I am completely honest is when I am in my own room nineteen.

Just paused for a while. I was contemplating if I should stop here or open up a bit more about decorating my room nineteen. I already took my first step. Now, while writing this, I visited my this room for the very first time. This is like creating your own bubble, a safe space, a place you can go when you’re tired of the noise, and where you can rest without feeling any guilt.

There’s a tiny spark that excites me to create this room. It’s like building a house without all the complications and expenses – I went through it, I have a house under my name, but I will never go through it all over again – and in this space, only my voice is important. My voice is the only audible sound. Only my voice is valid.

To share or not to share my journey is a hanging question. Sharing too much about it might defeat my purpose. Or, I can share a little so any person who may come across this post when he/she needs it can get a little inspiration to live life.

As always, I am writing for two specific reasons: To leave a digital footprint about the life I lived when I die and to help anyone through my words.

I am ending this post here.

It was a huge help releasing some of my bottled up emotions.

the punches on my chest

We all need to breathe.

I denied myself that. When all the self-care videos are just going around the internet, here I am – not knowing how to do it for myself.

Looking out for others is an easy-peasy task for me. See? How twisted am I? Freely giving that to others but I can’t seem to grasp how hard it is for me to give it… to myself.

I can’t explain the exhaustion I’m feeling right now. I have to be honest. I never shared my issues and my hardships with all honesty. It’s not that I don’t have anyone but I also have difficulties discussing it with me.

When I got so tired last week, I booked a one-night stay in a hotel. Just to be alone. All the therapy I can get outside doesn’t seem interesting to me – being alone is the most appealing therapy I can see at this moment.

With that, I believe I took a small step. I don’t know what I’m gonna do on Monday. But hopefully, I can get at least two things done – list down what I truly feel and finish “Hospital Playlist”.

I would like to apologize if I am wearing different masks everyday. I hate that I have to say sorry. But despite wearing different faces, I still don’t know what my true face is – in this part, I think I’m quite fair and I’m not being dishonest.

As I’m finishing this emotional post, my head reminded me of one thing I’m tired of. One of the reasons why I get so exhausted on a daily basis. Responsibilities I didn’t ask for. That’s it.

I’m feeling sorry for myself for not being able to do what my heart wants. I just hope it is not too late. I don’t want to die yet.

Finding my corner, in this round world

From gadgets, clothing, body weight, personal stuff, bags, I am never satisfied. Yet. I am enjoying this stuff though where I get to finally explore what mixture of things that will make up my boring routine life. But one thing’s sure – this discovery is getting expensive. I bought a macbook last year and an iPad this year. And despite watching tons of comparison videos of what should I get, I still ended up with a wrong decision. A tablet works best for me and it can do most of my needs. So, I am having this dilemma of retaining my laptop or selling it as early as this year. This is funny. I am having this problem when I am not even that rich.

But why am I even bothering to think about these things? Even though I’ve read a number of times that wearing the same clothes at work helps you decide better on what matters more, here I am, thinking of my mix and match outfits every single time I am scheduled to report at the office. I’m not sure if I am undergoing some phase or am I just gifting myself a chance to feel cute with my Korean-inspired outfits? I think it’s both. But eventually, I will land on at least a set of clothing that I can use repeatedly so I won’t think much but still feel good while wearing them. Hitting two birds with one stone? Hell, yes.

Living consciously and my mind being awakened at a time where social media has emerged as a double-edged sword, more external voices have disturbed and silenced my inner voice. There’s these usual pieces of advice by family on what to do, what to wear, how to act, and then seeing curated lifestyles that make you feel envious, empty, and wrong all at the same time. Too much noise. It’s too much that I am yet to establish what I want in every aspect of my life. I literally felt the need to sit down and decide on what I truly want before I take a step further for my tomorrow.

Coming into terms with myself that I have these personal problems to solve at my mid 20s made everything better. For some, they feel the need to rush to figure out what their life is but it’s definitely not the case for me. I am doing this at a time where I have this courage to stand by my own decisions. I can tell what I want and go for it. I made it clear to my parent that whatever decision I make, even if it ends up as a mistake or failure, I’ll pick myself up – this is where we learn, not when we always avoid taking risks.

Despite sounding so sure and firm, I am still scared. So scared that I get overwhelmed whenever I clearly think of having my feet turn into a whole different direction. What if my money is not enough? What if I can’t support them while I’m busy exploring the world I want to take space in? What if I realized I didn’t plan thoroughly? See? I am embracing and fearing the unknown path I am about to take.

Every time I get scared, I am immersing myself into my alternate future – a safe, comfortable, and financially secured one. Yes, it’s all good. And maybe, great? For sure, if my plan turns out to nothing, I will get many “I told you so” comments. But I don’t want to die young. I don’t want my soul to die first before my physical body. That’s what’s going to happen to me. Out of all this uncertainties, I am sure of one thing – I will die of regrets if I’ll pursue the safe track. I can bear a thousand of “I told you so” but I can’t bear seeing my old self looking at the stars at night with nothing but wishful thinking of what I could’ve done when I had the chance.

In this crazy, difficult round world to live in, I am off to find my own corner. My own safe bubble where my happiness is my top success meter. Where I can escape when the outside noise is too much to handle, where I can freely take things as slow as I want to.

As a first step in my plan, I’m gonna ask someone to paint some parts of my room black – when everyone logically said that I should have my small room all painted white to make and to feel that it’s wide (which I consciously followed), I am making my space as it is. A small black cornered room where I’m safe from anything and everything.

Lived for two and a half decade

Hello! I’m so close to finally be nearer to 30 than 20. I will have four celebrations as I didn’t want to gather everyone at once and not give them ample attention. I’ll go out with my mom on Wednesday, have a family celebration with my special someone on Saturday, and on July 9th and 16th, I’ll invite some friends in my house.

I didn’t think I was celebrating too much but… I guess I am celebrating too much? Lol. I just wanted to catch up with the important people in my life in the past, present, and future. I already got myself a gift and I requested some from my friends. You know, as you get older, you appreciate receiving gifts that you can actually use – even without the element of getting surprised. I had a cardigan with baybayin words from my officemates, I’ll receive a bracelet that I’m very excited to use from my loving partner, I’ll get a tote bag from uniqlo from my high school friends that I intend to use for work since we are required to report at the office twice a week starting in August.

None of you asked, but I want to share two of my most important learnings before I turn 26.

One, I changed my mindset how I make time for people I treasure. I am still all for low maintenance relationships but I saw value in consciously giving an effort to see your friends – understood that we’re all busy getting our shit together – but scheduling to see each other twice a year isn’t actually too much. Don’t lose connection. You might end up so successful, hugging all your trophies, certificates, but you only have yourself enjoying that fine wine every night. If you’re okay with that, I’m in no position to argue with you. But for me, life is meant to be celebrated with a few people I love.

Two, quarter-life crisis is real. But you have a choice – recognize that you are lost and be sad about it and let life fuck you with all its might or realize that you are lost and you act on it. I’m not exactly sure how my mindset changed but maybe because I am not trying to make my life into a novel. I look at my life as a book of wonderful poems. At 25, I am closing a good chapter of my life. And at 26, I am ready to start a new one. You see, we all have this pressure from age 25 to 29, that we are in a pivotal stage of our career, that if we fail, then we’re bound to be unsuccessful in the years to come. The best thing you can do at 25 is to have a serious conversation with yourself. Do you want to continue running in that lane? Or are your feet ready to shift to a whole new direction and embrace the uncertainties of what lies ahead?

Woah, I was so passionate writing the last two paragraphs. My mind just keeps working better at midnight – guess who’s in trouble if he lands a job on a morning shift? Haha!

It’s been two years since I started blogging. I can’t wait to re-read everything I wrote after five years. This online journal is my growth-tracker. This is where I can see my past self – whether he was right, awfully brave, or someone who made things happen as he said.

Four Impossible Things I Wish For

This was written in 2021 – in different days – on different emotions and states of mind – and at various times of my highs and lows. I plan to share what’s on my drafts days before my birthday. I hope they could bring something to my readers.

During one of many nights that my brain was working so hard to think of so many things, one absurd thought crossed my mind. It wasn’t close to reality but I’m not ruling out all the possibility that it could happen. What if I get to say four impossible things to some odd old woman who claims that she grants wishes to a select few in this world? Weird, right? But I’ll let my imagination start.

Let me begin with my first one – I wish I can decide to sleep for a week if I my mind or my body gets too exhausted with the world. I know this isn’t one hundred percent unthinkable because I read an article through my Facebook feed this year that there are indeed people who slept for more than a week. But I want to do it consciously. I want my mind to consciously prepare my body to hibernate. You know, there are weeks that are hard to live. May it be because of problems that you know ahead of time or because a certain week is filled with deadlines and you just can’t wait to go to the end line and jump on to your bed. This year, I can say I had the most taxing months emotionally, mentally, and unfortunately, physically. I never wanted to go back taking melatonin tablets before hitting the sack but if our brain is stressed and active due to thinking a lot, it really gets so difficult to sleep. And by then, you don’t wake up refreshed and some times, I am not in the best of moods at the start of my day. I am really very particular with the mood that I have when I wake up because it affects my outlook for the rest of the day. Oddly enough, I am convinced that sleeping for more time than usual can somehow help get through tough times. I am not sure what is its effect on my overall health but as I said, it’s a wish and I’m ready to take the consequences.

Next is all about safe space. I wish I can buy a private place, preferably close to a beautiful beach that I can view anytime I want. I have no problem if that place is in the Philippines, our country is still a paradise when it comes to nature’s gifts but I’m also open to have that private place in a different country. It’s like being away from my world and living where no one knows about me so I can recharge fully. I can just wish upon the stars – how can I possibly buy one? I am not earning that much to even buy a property here in my country. I need all the luck in the world to get a job that pays so well that it erases 70% of my problems.

Third, a job that lets me work in a different country every single year. How nice it would be if I would be able to work in China in 2022, then Estonia in 2023, and then another country for the following year? It’s as if traveling while still keeping your job without needing to save all your vacation leaves for a well-planned 7-day adventure. Okay, you might haven’t noticed yet but this is also a form of escape. I don’t want to commit in one place for so long to keep my mind busy adjusting and recalibrating because I need to adapt in a new environment yearly. Maybe I am not that strong to face problems head on? Or maybe I am just tired with all I’m facing right now. Perhaps, it’s a combination of both. I think I just have to have a much needed break before facing the harsh realities that life decided to give me. They say God gives the hardest battles to his toughest soldiers, but God may have made a mistake in giving me these battles. I’m not that tough.

And for that last one, it took me some time to conclude my final wish. And I’ve finally decided that I want to have the power of invisibility. Not only when I want to walk away and disappear from the rest of the world when the burden feels too heavy to carry. But also for the times that I am happy and I want to go places where I can smile like a crazy mad fool who’s in love like it’s the first time. I want to live freely, talk freely, and move freely without the eyes of judgmental society.

So now, I’m proudly ready to face that magical old lady if she ever wants to appear at my door. Once all my wishes are granted, I want to pass this on to others. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has the same things in mind as I do. It’s all too far from reality but my highest hope is for this to happen in my dream – in an alternate world where I can do what I can’t in the real world I’m existing.

30th of May

I remember writing a blog post last year with the same title just because I heard of a K-Drama entitled “Youth of May”. The month of May and its name can be used playfully to create titles – it’s actually fun and funny. Funny because I always hated this month because of summer heat. But truth be told, climate change is kicking in because last May 18, the rainy season officially started in the Philippines. Something we should be bothered about.

I quickly browsed through my post last year. And you know what? A lot has changed. Honestly, I am feeling the exact opposite in a number of ways. I’ll try to get some parts of my post in 2021 and compare it with what I am thinking now.

I know I should be sleeping at this time because I need to get up at 6:30 AM to prepare for an interview at 8:30 in the morning. This is a hard adjustment for someone who reports to work at mid-shift for the past four years and six months.

– I was about to get interviewed after applying for a company. I honestly think that I flunked that interview but surprisingly, I passed. I also got an interview from a different company which I confidently aced but I failed to get in. That was ridiculous.

I was determined to look for opportunities outside around this time last year because we got the news about how our process will be impacted by the reorganization. I remember how low my motivation was at that time. But guess what? I am actually not planning to leave my company anytime soon. Not even until 2026. That, I can commit. With all the uncertainties happening around, I found value in staying in a multinational company that can withstand global crises.

We’re three months way from our process’ migration and when I reflected upon it, I realized how it was the biggest blessing in my career. In the process of deliberation about how the staff will be deployed, somehow, in some way along the road, I got promoted. In a BPO company, we have job grade numbers. I started out as a JG8 and now I’m a JG6. This was only my goal. I didn’t actually dream of landing a role at the top of the ladder. At least for now, it isn’t for me. Never say never but yeah, it still isn’t for me. I’m happy with where I am right now, and I don’t feel any rush for a promotion. This feels so great – not always thinking of what’s next – and a certain sense of contentment gave me a priceless peace of mind.

I’m turning 25 next month and I’m honestly thankful and quite indifferent about it. I’m grateful for the fact that I will reach that age at this time of the pandemic. I’m indifferent because it feels empty.

voilà! I don’t feel empty at all. I closed a good chapter of my life and I am starting a new one. Instead of hopelessly asking, what now? I am elatedly asking, what now?!

Looking back at how God was really good to me, I realized that the core of all of my dreams in life were given to me before I leave my 25th year on earth. We are now living in a house named after me, I finally have a home. That’s one. Another one is the promotion I mentioned, I am pretty much done with my personal goal in that company. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I craved for intimate relationships. I became so dramatic that I reached the point asking God – “When I will be loved? I am always the person who gives love but doesn’t get loved back and always left hanging when they find someone new?” I remember crying while watching “Meet me in St. Gallen” inside a movie theater. I legitimately bawled my eyes out to release my heavy tears. I was with my mom back then and I don’t know why she did not ask why I cried. That’s better, I guess. In that same year, I also met someone who finally loved me and never left. Lastly, the love I have at home from my mom and my siblings is something I will forever be grateful for. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I don’t have attachment issues – people can go and leave my life anytime they want to, and I couldn’t care less – because at home, I am already filled with stable love.

So, after sharing too much, and I always say that you’ll get to know me deeply through my blog more than talking to me personally, there’s no doubt that I am closing my 25th year with gratitude and love lingering around my happy heart. I had this conversation with a friend where I said, “I don’t have any dreams. But in a good way.”, I felt like the rest of my years will be lived by enjoying the finer things in life whatever they may mean to me. I am opening my 26th year next month with full of excitement, discovery, pampering, and doing things unapologetically.

You see, if there’s something I want to impart to whoever reads this is that whoever said that you need to figure everything out at 25 is lying. I maybe done with the major things I want to have in life, but I am yet to figure out that hats I would like to wear. I am sincerely and eagerly looking forward to every year I’ll get and you don’t always need to join the sinkhole of quarter-life crisis. It’s true though, but it’s not a requirement to feel. You can have a different mindset by the time you reach 25 – it’s either you sleep and wake up feeling down and lost or you sleep, wake up, and step out to experience what life has for you. You can be excited with nothingness, with overwhelming crossroads, a whole lot of options, all because YOU ARE STILL YOUNG. Your life doesn’t end at 25. Believe me, success has no timeline. And it actually doesn’t matter if you enjoy now what others enjoyed at 22. I envied my peers (back in college) who can go to Starbucks anytime they want to while I need to save up two days worth of my daily allowance just to have one drink while nervously telling my order because I feel inferior being in a space where rich people hang out (or am I wrong with this? lol). Seriously, I only got to enjoy it now. At 25. I have my own Starbucks card, and I go out there confidently looking of iced chai tea latte but it sucks that they apparently have supply issues now.

Do I feel less happy because I am now enjoying what they have already enjoyed years back? Heck, NO!

As I end this one, I quietly wondered how my thoughts will again change next year? I cannot control everything but one thing’s for sure, I’ll share more news about what I did as I embrace this whole new blank chapter. Wish me a happy birthday on June 29! 🙂

DE S02E05

I just posted on my instagram stories that I decided to do a midnight “me time” stroll. I then went to 7/11 to buy a small cup of hot chocolate to accompany me while I sit comfortably in front of a closed store. I am currently feeling the wind breeze from the sea. We all can say that this wind feels the best – especially if you’re used to live in Manila.

Since we came after the holy week, I expected that there will be few people here. And that was true. And I like it. Really. Those who know me will agree. I don’t like crowded places. I want to share my current view so I quickly took a picture. Here it is!

I’m quite far from the beach but I can’t do an indian sit comfortably ever since I was a kid.

If there’s something I hate with this travel is how wasteful I am. I have limited resources so I cannot be conscious about the products I use. I just get by with anything convenient. A one-week trip maybe isn’t for me. Not unless I pack more and prepare carefully.

But you know what I loved? This travel represents how far my life went. For the better. Unknowingly, I am now able to afford to do this. I wasn’t born rich. Way back in college, I was so fascinated about how some of my blockmates afford studying in coffee shops. One drink costs at least Php 130 and you need to stay there longer, so I guess, you need to drink one more? That’s already Php 260! And my weekly allowance is only at Php 700 and I go to school six times a week.

(I took a sip from my hot chocolate. It tastes good for its price!)

I honestly can’t believe I’m willing to spend Php 400 pesos for a meal. The prices here are not so friendly. But I just can’t help to be thankful how I can now afford the things I can’t before. Not that I am complaining with the life I grew up with. It actually feels better to experience the so-called finer things in life after working so hard for years. They weren’t given, I earned them. A lot can relate to this. If this also happens to you currently, I want to say that I’m proud of you!

I had an honest and deep conversation with my friend last Sunday night. I told how I thought that I have no dream to achieve anymore. I have a home of my own. I can pay bills monthly. I have a stable job. When life gets tough, I go to the basics. Social media and city life do a good job in making you feel incomplete. When I looked into my life with simplicity in mind, I realized that I am completely blessed with my current status. Don’t get me wrong, I want to wear more hats as I feel that I still have a lot of years to live. It’s just that, right now, I have what I need in my life. I’m at a point where I can freely welcome what my next years will bring to the table. I’ll embrace it. Whatever it is.

I’m beyond thankful that I can finally say that it’s now my time to explore whatever I want to. I have two in mind, actually. But for some reason, I want to keep it. Privately. But I will let others know about it, but not now. I think I just regained my “fvck, whatever this is, I’ll go for it” attitude in 2018.

As I end this post, I can only say good things to God. I may not have everything that I want, but He provided what I need. I love the moments where I have this deep silent conversation with Him. Knowing that whatever situation I will be in, He’ll be with me – makes me feel secured and thankful for the years he destined me to exist.

I will be turning 26 in two months. Maybe all the emotions I have right now are the sign that I’m moving on from a long chapter of living for others. Maybe after 25 years, I can now live for myself. Unapologetically.

Cheers to life, cheers to a free life!

DE S02E04

It’s been a while since I went here in my safest bubble. I was contemplating if I should write now or keep all my thoughts and burst them out by writing in front of the beach. I’ll be on vacation starting on Sunday and I have no idea what to expect. It’s my first week-long travel without my family. First of many. Maybe I’ll use my experience there for my next travels? Let’s see.

2022 has been a very productive year in meeting some of my old friends. I think I went out more this year than in 2020 and 2021 combined. It’s part of my goal, really. And I feel like I’m on track. But there’s something in me that also makes me feel that I am slowly uncovering what’s lacking in my life. I say this is good sign, whilst being lost – I think, I’m slowly creating who I am? I’m actually shifting my belief from we must find ourselves to we should create ourselves. Or maybe, it’s a good and healthy combination of both?

On a side note, I’m writing this while having my protein drink and some liempo leftover. I left my phone as the love of my life is sleeping peacefully. I opened my WordPress here in my mac instead of phone to not disturb him. I just wanted to share this piece of information as it is fun to document this raw and non-special moment.

Going back to the mountain of thoughts I have in my tired mind. I’m thinking of sharing bits and pieces of who I am now. I may compromise my privacy but it’s really nice to look back after several years on how much I’ve grown.

First, I think I already found the love of my life. I seriously can’t imagine loving another human being other than my partner. I can’t imagine myself having an intimate relationship with another person. So lucky! Am I? I think so. In my teenage years up until my early twenties, I struggled to find one human to love me. I was blown away when I thought of how God gave me that person as early as 23 years old. Now I know why when I think of my future, they are all about my personal dreams. All the places I want to go, all the food I want to eat, and all the experiences I want to share. Love isn’t something I think deeply. I shouldn’t. I already have that one person I’ll get to enjoy the rest of my years with.

Next, I love mother nature. I am starting to transition to a more eco-friendly living. If I can just volunteer to do work to help the environment, I would! Lately, #LetTheEarthBreathe trended all over my social media. And it should be! We can contribute but those power must also do their part in saving our only home. It’s high time for world leaders to take this seriously. To whoever reads this, I encourage you to reevaluate your living. Trust me! You can save money by having an eco-friendly lifestyle.

Another one, I decide where I take money. Not the other way around. I’m not saying that those who seriously want that much money in their bank accounts are living a less meaningful life. Personal finance management and journey is unique in every individual. But I want to share my thoughts about it. First, I decided on the lifestyle I want to live and then I determine how much money I need to sustain that while having that peace of mind of being financially secured for rainy days. I can sustain myself (this might change though because of inflation) and live happily with a net salary of less than Php 40,000. When I achieved that amount of pay, I pulled out all the pressure that was inside of my head…. I now can live comfortably. If ever I will gun for a promotion in the future, that would mean for something else and definitely not just for money.

Last, and it is related to what I wrote above, is that I’m not comfortable with the idea of extravagant lifestyle. I love the simplicity of life. Every time I remove one thing that I initially thought of as so important, I am baffled when I realize that it actually isn’t. I stayed away from instagram for three months last year and I lived a good life even without it. Same goes with any of the expensive material things that I owned. I shared before that I bought this macbook I’m using and honestly, I just realized that this one’s a nice to have but definitely not what I need. Do I regret buying it? No. Every time I see this, I am reminded to be more careful for my next purchases. In order to utilize every peso that I used to buy this, I’ll just use this macbook for a minimum of seven years.

I’ll stop here. My mind’s telling me to stop sharing, for now. I hope you all had a good rest as I’m getting mine next week. I’m quite nervous to travel by air but I must get used to this. I am personally excited to what my next months are gonna be. But for now, I’ll go back to my bed and have a good night’s sleep.

In another world, in another life

As much as we want to own the life we are given, I just have this strange thought of wishing a life we want in our next lives. What if we can actually drop a coin in a mysterious well that can grant our wishes? The only catch is that, we will only get the answers after we die. That’s only when we can realize if the well made our desires come true, when we are reborn in a different body.

I know it’s hella strange of an idea but it’s midnight so my mind isn’t in its normal state. I’m sure I’m not the only one who thought of his own personal desires when confronted with problems rooted from circumstances at birth. One good example, I wished that I was born in a different country and from an affluent family, and as a daughter. I want to be born in a country more developed than the Philippines, I want to grow up in a family where money is never an issue so I can take up whatever course program in college, I want to be a girl just so I have a wide array of choices for clothes to wear on several occasions.

Those three things won’t guarantee a better life and it’s not what I expected either. I just want to live differently, and then go to that well again to wish for my next lifetime.

I’m honestly not sure how will I own this life I currently have. I feel like I’m not using this gift while my time here on earth is ticking. Each day I wake up is less then a day I’ll live. That thought frightens me to the core but I’m more frustrated that I can’t even move my feet to do something about it. I just want to go out and wander around, no direction or map to follow, but just let my feet go somewhere so I can feel that I’m spending my time with a little sense of reason.

As I’m writing this, the world is still in disarray. For us, we seemed to be moving forward but we aren’t. My bank is ready, my bag can be packed in a day, I am wholehearted to explore, but then I still can’t move a step. This is how frustrating it is. I have ideas in mind on how I can deal with my unfriendly thoughts but the universe won’t allow even a single move.

In the following months, I bet we’re still stuck. Our house frankly looks like a prison. Just a better prison with enough food and water to sustain decent living. And behind prison bars are inmates spending longer days than the rest of the world. People around me are saying how fast days pass by, but I feel otherwise. I’m itching to finish every single day. I’m now like an inmate inside the rooms of our house.

And like all the prisoners who spend countless hours thinking how they’ll live after their sentence, I also consumed an unhealthy amount of time thinking and questioning. What will I be like in another world, in another life? Would the way I live in this lifetime affect the world I will be born in after I reincarnate? Or will I have it worse because I haven’t done anything purposeful yet?

Difficult questions, right? I’m not seeking for answers for now. I’m just hanging in there and hoping that my days aren’t numbered yet – so maybe in this life, in this world, I can be someone who did something before he left.

DE S02E03

I waited for exactly 14 minutes before I started this post. Nothing special, I just wanted to write this on the last day of February. I just stopped for a bit when I realized that we are now done with two months of 2022. Personally, I’m looking forward for the activities that I plan to do for the rest of the year. But to be very honest, I am quite scared about the future. Not about my career or anything, but all about what can happen in the world. I only knew of world war 1 and 2 on my history books, but I didn’t expect that it might actually happen in my generation. Ukraine and Russia are far from the Philippines but who knows what’ll be the next chapter of their war? Just thinking about it right after seeing some light with this pandemic makes me not want to live for the future even more. I will live my life every single day.

Speaking of my plans this year, my team (past and current members) just had an overnight outing last Friday. It was fun. I saw how we all missed communicating face-to-face and my throat got really tired of talking about so many topics. I felt like meeting a group of people you know should be a two days, one night event – seriously, I still have a lot to talk about with them. Virtual meetings won’t cut it. Though I love working from home, my extrovert side still wants to talk to people physically. Meeting the people I treasure in life is a must for me now that the pandemic seems to push for our new normal already.

When I got home on the afternoon of Saturday, I immediately felt so sad. I knew this feeling. It’s very familiar with what I felt when the fact that I might be having my last few moments with the people close to me know may soon be my reality. I can clearly remember how I got silently emotional in my last regular day in high school. I thought I’ll never get over it but you know, time heals and we all eventually need to grow up. And thinking about it now, I was young back then. I was supposed to leave and meet new friends. True enough, I met new people and left so many friends simply because we grew apart and walked on different paths. It has been the same process in university. It was easer for me though because I was more focused on getting a job and earning my own money. I already consider myself lucky for retaining a handful of friends from college up until now.

But at work, I honestly didn’t expect to feel this. It wasn’t in my plan. All along, my mind was conditioned that the corporate world is a jungle – you need to kill and avoid being killed.

I have questions in mind:

Am I really that lucky to have good relationships with people at my work?

Do I need to be a workaholic freak in my new team to avoid getting attached?

Am I just the type of person who gets along so well with some people that building friendships comes naturally?

I still don’t have answers but one thing is for sure, I will need to go through the process I hated in high school and in university. The process of being happy when you found comfort in people and letting them go because you all can’t stay in one place and we’re all working towards our growth.

I’m just emotional right now but I’m sure I’ll get over this. And without force, I will be maintaining long term friendships with people I will naturally gravitate with.

Tomorrow, March 1, I will be starting a new journey. I will finally be a regular in the gym to have an active lifestyle. I want a body that I will be happy seeing in the mirror. I hate my fats. But I love to eat. So, the only way to still enjoy eating is to exercise and be wiser on what I will be taking in to my body. I’m now getting back to exploring new things – hoping to meet fresh faces along the way (and still willing to go through the process I hate).

Ending this post by saying that living in the present and in the moment is the best way to have a life you won’t regret. Turn down your phone when you are with people. Look at them in the eye, listen to their words, and make each moment count. At 25, I am not expecting to have frequent trips with friends. When I have one, I make sure to cherish them. I’m on my phone and my laptop almost everyday and it won’t hurt if I neglect them when I’m with the people I like. Last Friday, my phone was always away from me. And you know what I felt? I already mentioned this but I felt the lack of time in talking to them.

As I wrap this up, I feel lighter as I did live on that present. That’s the silver lining – I saw the good moments with my eyes and not through my phone’s screen.