There are days when I become comfortable with the dark. When I want time to stop, when the light coming from the sun scares me out that I use my blanket all over my body to cover and be with the dark again. I just now when it comes. And this year, I felt it happened more frequently.
I was never a night owl. My mind got used to study so early in the morning and eventually got good grades out of it. But I wonder where that version of me currently exists. Now, my eyes are wide awake at 2 AM. This is when I feel most safe. It feels like being transported in a safe bubble where no one can enter unless I allow it.
But one may wonder, what happens when I know that a day calls for darkness to stay – simple, it’s either I’m extremely happy or I’m at the opposite end of the spectrum. I hate how my mind thinks that if I’m so happy at the moment, great sadness will eventually follow until I’m more consumed by it. I’m honestly not sure if sorrow visits me or I’m inviting it with open arms. And I hate myself even more when I feel down – I just think that I will either become used to it or worse, it may be a consequence of the mistakes I did.
I’m trying my best. I’m trying my best to feel that those days when I’m smiling, are truly because I was happy. I’m trying my best to think that bad days are far less than the good ones. Just the truth – I really am not sure. Maybe, not being sure about what we feel is a valid place to be temporarily? I’m used to think that I should either be okay or not. But maybe, with a little chance, I can be somewhere I don’t know?
I was asking at work if working from home can be more flexible. I actually get excited with the idea that I can work out of the country and be in a place where no one knows about me. No, it’s not like I’ll go to South Korea for six months. It can be a month and I’ll just take a few days off so I won’t use up all my vacation leaves. So, when that day comes, when darkness is a dear friend, I can cry all I want without needing to explain why.
These days, wherever I go, I feel like I’m a stranger. Not feeling like I belong whoever I’m with, or wherever I am. I just.. sometimes want to go out with a cap and a huge mask to cover my face plus sunglasses. I’m really at a point in my life where I don’t know what tomorrow means to me and what should I do with my present. And as I read this somewhere, I think I’m gonna apply this for the meantime – when you don’t know what to do next, do nothing. Well, literally, writing is the only thing that can save my will to live. As long as my fingers can type on my keyboard, I can be alive.
To whoever reaches this blog and is currently somewhat experiencing the same thing, I want you to know that you are not alone. As with my ultimate purpose in writing – I want to let someone know that they’re not alone. I’m here. Let’s be each other’s company in a strange place we’re traversing the way out.
WanderNine 