Room Nineteen

Just a year over what they call “quarter-life” crisis, I found myself in a myriad of emotions. I’m writing this in a hotel room I booked when I was so darn tired of work. It wasn’t a mistake though. I am at peace. Albeit I’m not sure if I’m walking on eggshells because I’m not used to this. I craved for this solitude but I guess this and I, are still new to each other. Will I repeat this? Definitely! It’s now close to 12MN and I promised myself to decompress my thoughts. I need to know what I feel and understand where they are coming from. So, here I am, writing this while waiting for my chai tea latte from Starbucks I ordered via Grab.

I’ll start right away. First, I feel like I’m not realizing the potential I have. There are whispers around my ears saying I am meant to fly. I have no problems with my current work. Overall, I won’t trade it for any other company in my country. But I just think I am not meant to live a nice templated corporate climb. That’s not who I am. Ever since. I was someone who people thought would go this way, but I always end up going another way. It isn’t something I planned just to create that image – I was forced to be a certain person and I just find ways to sneak in to find the path I am willing to walk, even with dinosaurs ahead of me.

This seemed easy. That’s what I thought. But the emotional Asian household won’t let me. You know, being a gay and youngest in the family has a lot of disadvantages. Here’s the worst – you have this unwanted responsibility of taking good care of your parents because your older siblings went their own ways. Of course they’ll say that if they could choose, they want to stay at home, be with family – but I will never understand that, yet. I’m at an age where I could take risks, fail, learn a lot, but I feel like I should live a more secured life because someone relies on me. I already declared that I will not have kids. But that is in no way an opening to take care of others. Why can’t they think that maybe because I have no capacity of taking care of others and that’s why I chose a childfree life? Ah yes, this is an Asian household. Some weird Filipino family culture I was never a fan of.

And now I’m lost. Weeks before, I talked with a counselor and I clearly mentioned that I am comfortable with this direction-less life because that is exciting for me. I have so many roads to walk on. But now, I have no idea where to go. I’m tired of explaining that I want to go from here to there without a clear plan just because I am not getting younger and when is the best time to take risks? You know the answer. The funny thing is – when they hear success stories of other people who took risks – you can see their smiles. But when you want to foray on a field you’re not expected to go, strangers are more supportive. Yes, I get it. People might say I am misinterpreting their concern. But no. I fully understand. I made it clear that whatever I do, I will pick myself up. I will not bother anyone. And that, I think, they are not onboarded with.

Believe me, I don’t even know what I want to do tomorrow. Life isn’t exciting to me anymore. I live for the bills I need to pay. And that’s it. No more, no less. I miss my old ambitious self. When the responsibilities you did not sign up for come in once you’ve become a functioning member of society, your dreams are very vulnerable to shattering. And coming from my own experience, this roots from having children when you are not financially prepared. If you’re reading this and you just want to have a family but your bank account never said it was ready, DON’T. I am bearing the weight I did not ask for. I’m tired of this life, honestly.

“Honestly”, the last word in the previous paragraph. Funny. I am not honest most of the past few days. I’m wearing different masks depending on the situation. Who I am with, where I’m at, or how I should act. I watched this Korean Drama entitled, “Because This is My First Life”, and one of the books the characters mentioned was “To Room Nineteen” by Doris Lessing. I want to have that book. But basically it’s about people having their own room 19. A room you don’t want others, no matter how close they are to you, to see. This resonates to my life right now. The only time I am completely honest is when I am in my own room nineteen.

Just paused for a while. I was contemplating if I should stop here or open up a bit more about decorating my room nineteen. I already took my first step. Now, while writing this, I visited my this room for the very first time. This is like creating your own bubble, a safe space, a place you can go when you’re tired of the noise, and where you can rest without feeling any guilt.

There’s a tiny spark that excites me to create this room. It’s like building a house without all the complications and expenses – I went through it, I have a house under my name, but I will never go through it all over again – and in this space, only my voice is important. My voice is the only audible sound. Only my voice is valid.

To share or not to share my journey is a hanging question. Sharing too much about it might defeat my purpose. Or, I can share a little so any person who may come across this post when he/she needs it can get a little inspiration to live life.

As always, I am writing for two specific reasons: To leave a digital footprint about the life I lived when I die and to help anyone through my words.

I am ending this post here.

It was a huge help releasing some of my bottled up emotions.