the punches on my chest

We all need to breathe.

I denied myself that. When all the self-care videos are just going around the internet, here I am – not knowing how to do it for myself.

Looking out for others is an easy-peasy task for me. See? How twisted am I? Freely giving that to others but I can’t seem to grasp how hard it is for me to give it… to myself.

I can’t explain the exhaustion I’m feeling right now. I have to be honest. I never shared my issues and my hardships with all honesty. It’s not that I don’t have anyone but I also have difficulties discussing it with me.

When I got so tired last week, I booked a one-night stay in a hotel. Just to be alone. All the therapy I can get outside doesn’t seem interesting to me – being alone is the most appealing therapy I can see at this moment.

With that, I believe I took a small step. I don’t know what I’m gonna do on Monday. But hopefully, I can get at least two things done – list down what I truly feel and finish “Hospital Playlist”.

I would like to apologize if I am wearing different masks everyday. I hate that I have to say sorry. But despite wearing different faces, I still don’t know what my true face is – in this part, I think I’m quite fair and I’m not being dishonest.

As I’m finishing this emotional post, my head reminded me of one thing I’m tired of. One of the reasons why I get so exhausted on a daily basis. Responsibilities I didn’t ask for. That’s it.

I’m feeling sorry for myself for not being able to do what my heart wants. I just hope it is not too late. I don’t want to die yet.

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