Finding my corner, in this round world

From gadgets, clothing, body weight, personal stuff, bags, I am never satisfied. Yet. I am enjoying this stuff though where I get to finally explore what mixture of things that will make up my boring routine life. But one thing’s sure – this discovery is getting expensive. I bought a macbook last year and an iPad this year. And despite watching tons of comparison videos of what should I get, I still ended up with a wrong decision. A tablet works best for me and it can do most of my needs. So, I am having this dilemma of retaining my laptop or selling it as early as this year. This is funny. I am having this problem when I am not even that rich.

But why am I even bothering to think about these things? Even though I’ve read a number of times that wearing the same clothes at work helps you decide better on what matters more, here I am, thinking of my mix and match outfits every single time I am scheduled to report at the office. I’m not sure if I am undergoing some phase or am I just gifting myself a chance to feel cute with my Korean-inspired outfits? I think it’s both. But eventually, I will land on at least a set of clothing that I can use repeatedly so I won’t think much but still feel good while wearing them. Hitting two birds with one stone? Hell, yes.

Living consciously and my mind being awakened at a time where social media has emerged as a double-edged sword, more external voices have disturbed and silenced my inner voice. There’s these usual pieces of advice by family on what to do, what to wear, how to act, and then seeing curated lifestyles that make you feel envious, empty, and wrong all at the same time. Too much noise. It’s too much that I am yet to establish what I want in every aspect of my life. I literally felt the need to sit down and decide on what I truly want before I take a step further for my tomorrow.

Coming into terms with myself that I have these personal problems to solve at my mid 20s made everything better. For some, they feel the need to rush to figure out what their life is but it’s definitely not the case for me. I am doing this at a time where I have this courage to stand by my own decisions. I can tell what I want and go for it. I made it clear to my parent that whatever decision I make, even if it ends up as a mistake or failure, I’ll pick myself up – this is where we learn, not when we always avoid taking risks.

Despite sounding so sure and firm, I am still scared. So scared that I get overwhelmed whenever I clearly think of having my feet turn into a whole different direction. What if my money is not enough? What if I can’t support them while I’m busy exploring the world I want to take space in? What if I realized I didn’t plan thoroughly? See? I am embracing and fearing the unknown path I am about to take.

Every time I get scared, I am immersing myself into my alternate future – a safe, comfortable, and financially secured one. Yes, it’s all good. And maybe, great? For sure, if my plan turns out to nothing, I will get many “I told you so” comments. But I don’t want to die young. I don’t want my soul to die first before my physical body. That’s what’s going to happen to me. Out of all this uncertainties, I am sure of one thing – I will die of regrets if I’ll pursue the safe track. I can bear a thousand of “I told you so” but I can’t bear seeing my old self looking at the stars at night with nothing but wishful thinking of what I could’ve done when I had the chance.

In this crazy, difficult round world to live in, I am off to find my own corner. My own safe bubble where my happiness is my top success meter. Where I can escape when the outside noise is too much to handle, where I can freely take things as slow as I want to.

As a first step in my plan, I’m gonna ask someone to paint some parts of my room black – when everyone logically said that I should have my small room all painted white to make and to feel that it’s wide (which I consciously followed), I am making my space as it is. A small black cornered room where I’m safe from anything and everything.

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