30th of May

I remember writing a blog post last year with the same title just because I heard of a K-Drama entitled “Youth of May”. The month of May and its name can be used playfully to create titles – it’s actually fun and funny. Funny because I always hated this month because of summer heat. But truth be told, climate change is kicking in because last May 18, the rainy season officially started in the Philippines. Something we should be bothered about.

I quickly browsed through my post last year. And you know what? A lot has changed. Honestly, I am feeling the exact opposite in a number of ways. I’ll try to get some parts of my post in 2021 and compare it with what I am thinking now.

I know I should be sleeping at this time because I need to get up at 6:30 AM to prepare for an interview at 8:30 in the morning. This is a hard adjustment for someone who reports to work at mid-shift for the past four years and six months.

– I was about to get interviewed after applying for a company. I honestly think that I flunked that interview but surprisingly, I passed. I also got an interview from a different company which I confidently aced but I failed to get in. That was ridiculous.

I was determined to look for opportunities outside around this time last year because we got the news about how our process will be impacted by the reorganization. I remember how low my motivation was at that time. But guess what? I am actually not planning to leave my company anytime soon. Not even until 2026. That, I can commit. With all the uncertainties happening around, I found value in staying in a multinational company that can withstand global crises.

We’re three months way from our process’ migration and when I reflected upon it, I realized how it was the biggest blessing in my career. In the process of deliberation about how the staff will be deployed, somehow, in some way along the road, I got promoted. In a BPO company, we have job grade numbers. I started out as a JG8 and now I’m a JG6. This was only my goal. I didn’t actually dream of landing a role at the top of the ladder. At least for now, it isn’t for me. Never say never but yeah, it still isn’t for me. I’m happy with where I am right now, and I don’t feel any rush for a promotion. This feels so great – not always thinking of what’s next – and a certain sense of contentment gave me a priceless peace of mind.

I’m turning 25 next month and I’m honestly thankful and quite indifferent about it. I’m grateful for the fact that I will reach that age at this time of the pandemic. I’m indifferent because it feels empty.

voilà! I don’t feel empty at all. I closed a good chapter of my life and I am starting a new one. Instead of hopelessly asking, what now? I am elatedly asking, what now?!

Looking back at how God was really good to me, I realized that the core of all of my dreams in life were given to me before I leave my 25th year on earth. We are now living in a house named after me, I finally have a home. That’s one. Another one is the promotion I mentioned, I am pretty much done with my personal goal in that company. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I craved for intimate relationships. I became so dramatic that I reached the point asking God – “When I will be loved? I am always the person who gives love but doesn’t get loved back and always left hanging when they find someone new?” I remember crying while watching “Meet me in St. Gallen” inside a movie theater. I legitimately bawled my eyes out to release my heavy tears. I was with my mom back then and I don’t know why she did not ask why I cried. That’s better, I guess. In that same year, I also met someone who finally loved me and never left. Lastly, the love I have at home from my mom and my siblings is something I will forever be grateful for. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I don’t have attachment issues – people can go and leave my life anytime they want to, and I couldn’t care less – because at home, I am already filled with stable love.

So, after sharing too much, and I always say that you’ll get to know me deeply through my blog more than talking to me personally, there’s no doubt that I am closing my 25th year with gratitude and love lingering around my happy heart. I had this conversation with a friend where I said, “I don’t have any dreams. But in a good way.”, I felt like the rest of my years will be lived by enjoying the finer things in life whatever they may mean to me. I am opening my 26th year next month with full of excitement, discovery, pampering, and doing things unapologetically.

You see, if there’s something I want to impart to whoever reads this is that whoever said that you need to figure everything out at 25 is lying. I maybe done with the major things I want to have in life, but I am yet to figure out that hats I would like to wear. I am sincerely and eagerly looking forward to every year I’ll get and you don’t always need to join the sinkhole of quarter-life crisis. It’s true though, but it’s not a requirement to feel. You can have a different mindset by the time you reach 25 – it’s either you sleep and wake up feeling down and lost or you sleep, wake up, and step out to experience what life has for you. You can be excited with nothingness, with overwhelming crossroads, a whole lot of options, all because YOU ARE STILL YOUNG. Your life doesn’t end at 25. Believe me, success has no timeline. And it actually doesn’t matter if you enjoy now what others enjoyed at 22. I envied my peers (back in college) who can go to Starbucks anytime they want to while I need to save up two days worth of my daily allowance just to have one drink while nervously telling my order because I feel inferior being in a space where rich people hang out (or am I wrong with this? lol). Seriously, I only got to enjoy it now. At 25. I have my own Starbucks card, and I go out there confidently looking of iced chai tea latte but it sucks that they apparently have supply issues now.

Do I feel less happy because I am now enjoying what they have already enjoyed years back? Heck, NO!

As I end this one, I quietly wondered how my thoughts will again change next year? I cannot control everything but one thing’s for sure, I’ll share more news about what I did as I embrace this whole new blank chapter. Wish me a happy birthday on June 29! 🙂

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