I just wanted to decompress my thoughts here. I’ve stated many times that this wordpress account will always be my safe space where any thought is safe to be out. But now, I can’t even identify what I want to think. It’s overwhelming and most of them aren’t good. Maybe that’s why my brain is protecting me by not letting me focus on anything because I might dig my own grave and find it hard to crawl back to life. Nevertheless, I will do my best… for my sanity.
Melatonin tablets have been my friend for quite some time now. I am really trying my best not take them daily as my body might become dependent on them but I can’t help it. Sleep is a temporary escape from reality and I don’t plan to spend hours to go into that temporary refuge. If there’s a shortcut to go there, I will take it without second thought.
But you know what the downside is of not sleeping with a peaceful mind? Not even a sleeping pill can help it – you don’t wake up nicely. I can’t remember the last time that I woke up with a refreshed mind. I miss that feeling. I am a firm believer that your first mood affects your outlook for the rest of the day. Not always true, but saying “Good Morning!” genuinely hits different. I don’t to explain it further, I guess you already know what I’m trying to say.
Speaking of not sleeping well, you most probably know what mainly causes it. Stress. I often wonder how a peaceful household looks like. A home where harmony is felt, day in and day out. I didn’t have a rested childhood. My teens aren’t different too. And you got it right, adulthood is the same for me. One toxic family member can ruin everything. This is why living separately is a move that I will definitely make one day. I’m even being impatient at times by looking at sites that sells property and even renting options. I want this to end but I don’t know how to. There are just people who chose to be hopeless.
I’m also being hopeless. I just live each day of my life with the best effort I could put. Wishing for that one day, that one peaceful night, and that one refreshing morning. I recognize that whining over this won’t be of any help but it’s mentally healthy to release negative energies at some days. And this one of those days where I choose to be not okay.
To any one who’s feeling the same way while reading this, I hope this won’t push you to the underground further. I want to make you feel that you’re not alone. We will get through all of these, but just let ourselves grieve for today.
Now, I’m quite better. As I end this post, my brain lost a little weight of heavy negative thoughts. A little help is still a help. I actually think that my screen is very good listener. It absorbs what my mouth can’t utter. But my mind’s still a mess. I might even take a sleeping pill later. So, I still won’t wake up nicely tomorrow.
But hey, it’s Monday tomorrow and I have work. Not that I’m excited or motivated, it’s just fine and better to think of something else than drowning with thoughts I have now.
WanderNine 