This has hit me the hardest this year. Whenever I ask myself what do I want to be or where do I want to take up space in the society, I can’t think of an answer. And the funny thing is, I usually find it shameful if someone can’t even think of one dream. Like it’s one of those free things in the world. How can one have none of it? Well, I should laugh at myself now. Lol.
I want to believe that this is just a phase. See, I’m turning 25 this year and I can say that I’m going through quarter-life crisis. I am feeling the disappointment of not measuring up with the expectations that I have for myself, I feel like I’m not achieving what I should be achieving by now and this is in no way related to the organizational reshape that the company I’m working for is executing right now. Suddenly, I don’t know which path I must take. What I’m doing right now is just walking slowly and stopping by to think where I’m really headed to.
I know you might be thinking that I’m comparing myself with others on social media – but no, even if I have so much time to kill on social media, I don’t feel inferior to anything that I see. I just know that we all have our own fair share of struggles. And I use social media for inspiration/motivation and not for self-destruction.
This time of the pandemic is not helpful at all. I tried this method of trying so many things to figure out what I want and what I don’t want but it required money. I need to pay fees and as we all know, building your emergency fund is of utmost importance amidst covid-19. Maybe this calls for a time to do something else that won’t cost me so much. Maybe. Hopefully, I’ll have the energy to figure out.
I suddenly remembered “Reply 1988” while writing this. I actually referenced the title to one the scenes of Deok-sun chatting with her dad. She told him that she has no dream. And she felt shameful that day. But if you watched that drama, she became just fine with a work that pays enough money for her family. I want to believe that just like her, I will be fine. I may not have a dream for now, but I’ll be fine as long as I keep going. And just live life.
We are in a new year. But there’s nothing new with what I ought to do. I just plan to survive and be healthy and live for the future that’s waiting for me. It’s hard to see the light because of what’s happening here in our country but we need to survive for our loved ones. And as what you can already tell, I’m living aimlessly now. But I won’t punish myself – I’ll go through this phase and take all the lessons and experiences so I can help someone someday.
Oh, and if there’s one thing that I wish to happen in the future, that is to thank my past self for hanging in there.