Gloom

The weather today is the one I was asking for during summer. I never saw a glimpse of sunlight. Or maybe because I woke up at 12:30 PM? It’s definitely a bed weather type of day. And true enough, I spent most of the day with my bed.

What does this weather mean to me? It’s nice because I always rant about getting sweaty in summer. I have a 3PM-12MN shift so I usually have my daily commute at around 12NN and we’re in the Philippines. You know you’ll experience hell going outside at that time. I also think that this weather works well with my productivity if I’m in the office. I think I never told anyone about this but I feel in the zone for working when it’s cold and I have my jacket plus hot coffee to comfort me. Though it does not apply with a work from home arrangement. If today was a weekday, for sure my bed will pull me and talk to me: “Just watch k-dramas! Oh and get some chips.” And speaking of k-dramas, I finished a number of episodes today. I’m currently watching “Shopaholic Louis” on Netflix. And what’s better than spending a bed weather day while watching Korean dramas? None. At least for me.

On a serious note, I was able to think of a few things today. These are not new, I thought of them before but I got the right mood to reflect. 2020 will always be defined by Covid-19. Suddenly, all our goals are postponed. Good for you if you are still making progress, but to those who don’t, it’s fine. It’s perfectly fine. The goal now is actually to be safe. To get through this pandemic without contacting the virus as much as possible. But I still can’t help to think that I’m wasting a year in my 20s. Not because of my fault but due to uncontrollable factors on my end. And for someone who has a lot of energy to establish a good career, this situation is a killer. It’s not easy to jump during this time. You need to consider many factors before making a move. I actually think that I need to start accepting that my 24th year on Earth is meant to survive and be alive for my family. I’m not a in a bad position but every single time I get to think about my career, it pains me.

I remember telling myself before that I wanted to peak in my 30s. And in order to do that, I need to work my ass off in my 20s. I think that’s where the anxiety comes from. I’m almost halfway through my 20s and one year is about to get wasted.

I thought of sharing this in my blog because I know nothing will happen even if I overthink for hours. We still can’t see the end of the tunnel, at least here in our country, and we are not really sure how everything will look like after the pandemic. It feels good to talk about what I felt even just through typing on my phone. And just like the weather today, my fighting spirit isn’t fighting. It just rests. It takes advantage from the low energy atmosphere to get the strength that it needs to face an uncountable number of tomorrows filled with uncertainties.

I hope today was different for you. To whoever notices this post, I hope you get to feel opposite emotions. And to someone who feels the same way like I do, it’ll get better. Perhaps not tomorrow but definitely, one day.

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