Can’t Sleep

This is another episode of Rigor can’t sleep until it’s 3 or 4AM. My mid-shift schedule at work really changed my body clock. But writing at this hour makes my mind more authentic and creative at the same time.

I was thinking, what do I want my future to be? Since my dream is to have a place in the film industry, is a life in the public arena an inevitable option? Or should my love for films just push me to be a watcher because I need to get my shit done and earn money in the corporate world? You know what, I feel my 20s and my 30s are gonna be entirely different – 1) My 20s will be spent on making and saving money for my family. This is a decade full of grinding. My ultimate goal is to have salary of at least 60K (net) per month. We can happily live with that amount. My mom did not spoil us so I am used to live a simple life. Well, simple life may mean differently for us and I do realize that. 2) My 30s will be a pursuit of passion. By this time, I have saved enough for my family to live for a number of years and I have saved enough money too to pursue my dreams.

To be honest, I am thrilled just by thinking about my 30s. But there’s so much uncertainty. Unlike in the corporate world where I can drive my career and I know what to do to go futher.

These thoughts keep me awake sometimes. I am really the person who get anxiety thinking about his future. But don’t worry! I am training my mind to enjoy the present. To whoever might be reading this and feels the same way, you can also worry about your future. It’s normal. It’s valid. But let’s learn the lesson of enjoying the present. What we see right now and where we are right now. Because trust me, you’ll get to the point where worrying affects your current actions. Our mind can think of scenarios that aren’t happening or will never happen and then we overthink, and then we get frustrated.

When I celebrated my birthday, I had an IG story where I said: “I’m 24 and I’m not where I want to be and that’s okay. We’ll get there” (Not the exact words though). And then someone replied – “I think you’re right where you need to be. They say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Or, as I would say it… There’s is only one way to eat an elephant….one bite at a time 😂” – That’s actually a good message. It comforted me. We may seem to feel lost and walking with no direction but maybe we need not to figure everything out. Where we are is exactly where we need to be. And happiness is where we are and we won’t be happy if we’ll always think that we can only feel that way if we’re in a different place or time.

As I’m about to finish this, I am taking time to reflect and to feel thankful for the time I have with my family. We are still far from beating covid-19. But if there’s one thing that I liked with what’s happening around us is that I’m with my family 24/7. I can’t remember being like this since I started working. I guess this is an example of appreciating the present?

BUT I am still aware of the fight that we need to win. A fight with the ones exposed by covid-19. You know what I mean 🤫 I am one with all the Filipinos fighting for our present and for our future.

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